Pain (TaehyungXBTS)

T

Taehyung POV

Smile huh? I wish. The only smile I know is a fake smile. I'll never experience the happiness I have known before. I walk passed Seokjin and Namjoon. I headed straight to Seokjin's room. It was only midnight and I wanted to be alone. And when I mean alone I mean all by myself. Isolated. I don't know where I can go. I just don't want to be here in Seokjin Hyung's room. Alone where I can have my space. Where I can space out. Where?

I suddenly run to the lake~

I guess I wanted to go back where it all started. Where everything began. I look at the lake. I crouched down looking at it.

There's my face in it~

Disgusting

The voice isn't wrong. I am disgusted. Disappointing. Useless. Why did it decide to comeback?

You idiot. I always have my way. Go. Jump.

"NO I CAN'T I- I just can't...I don't want to." My voice cracked. I had tears streaming down my face. Why am I crying? I would have jumped right there and then. But why? Why am I not jumping? Am I just upset I don't want to jump?

Your fault
Your fault
Your fault
Your fault
Your fault
Your fault
Your fault
Your fault
Your fault
Your fault

"STOP. IM SORRY. I-I'm sorry, mom."

I have had enough of everything today. I just want to go home. Home? What home do I have? I'm just a bother. I don't have anyone to turn to. I'm alone. All alone. This is what I get. What I get for killing my mom. It's all my fault. My fault? My fault.

I walked to Jin's apartment. I knock on the door. I checked my phone. I saw that it was 1:00 a.m. I was definitely going to get my ass beat. I saw the door swing open.

Please don't say anything~

I was going to get in trouble. I was scared what the consequences were.

"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU!? NEVER MIND THAT! ARE YOU OKAY!?" Seokjin said as he engulfed me into a hug. "I should have kept an eye on you. I'm sorry."
I felt tear falling down. I never thought that he would care enough. I choked an 'I'm sorry' as I sobbed on Seokjin's shoulder.

Reach my hand to cover the mouth~

After Jin left me sleeping in his room I sobbed my heart out. I don't know why. I tried to keep quiet by covering my mouth. My tears could not stop flowing. I wouldn't stop. I feel stupid crying like this.

Attention whore.

Disgusting

Disappointing

I want to scream for help. To save me from this nightmare. These lies. They're drowning me. Killing me. I feel like I can't breathe. I'm such a burden.

I'm stupid for not being able to do anything. I'm still awake and I have school. I felt dizzy. I passed out there and then.

I wake up in the morning. My head hurts but not like  the hole in my heart. I walk into the kitchen as I see Jin cooking. He looked at me with a worried expression. Shit. Was it that noticeable that I cried? "Hey are you okay?"

No.

"Yeah, Im fine."

"Okay... if you need anything tell me." "Anything?" "Anything!" He exclaimed as he smile. "I want to get better." "I'll try my best to help you."

Today was Saturday. We had no school,obviously, so Seokjin took me to his room. I was getting worried because he just took me to his room as if it was a doctor's appointment. I was getting worried. It was silent.  Seokjin just stared at me. I felt small. Like a prey.

"Tell me what's bothering you?" "Everything." "Be specific." "My life is a mess. My mom is dead. My dad is abusive. I got raped at a very young age. I've been abused for most of my life. I can't cure this damn depression alone. I'm drowning. I'm dying inside. This voice won't leave me alone. The only way it'll stop is killing myself. I can't take it anymore." I sobbed into his shoulder. "First, tell me how everything started." I wasn't sure I wanted to tell Seokjin what happened. But if I don't I'll just die alone.

"It started when my mom passed away. I could never forgive myself. I blamed myself for her death. She tried to save her son and she didn't care what would happen to her but only what would happen to me. I remember her telling me how much I looked like her. But the abuse started when I was seven. I didn't think it was that bad. He only hit me with his bottles he drank from. It continued till I turned eleven. Everything changed. I had gotten used to him hitting me when ever he came near me. But that day I'll never forget. I'll never forgive him. He had r-raped me. I smelled drunk and I was scared. He just slammed me on the wall. I though he was going to kill me but then he kissed me. Not in a nice way. It was horrible. Forced. He t-took my clothes o-off and he...he did it." I couldn't handle it anymore. I was sobbing onto Jin. He did have some tears in his eyes. I started again. "It began as the same routine till now. I used to go out with friends. I tried reaching out for help but the only thing that I got in return was hate and disgust. They would ignore me and taunt me for being raped. I was only 12. I didn't know that it would happen. I want to be normal. I stopped seeing people that were close. I stopped studying. I stopped asking for help. I stopped loving myself. I hated myself. I was disgusted with myself. I didn't love myself. I didn't feel safe. I stopped everything and it hurts. Everything hurts. My heart hurts. I feel like if I wasn't stupid enough to just go she still could have been here with me. I hated the fact that she died for me. I feel like it's my fault. A few years after the voice came and I-I couldn't stop myself from listening to it. It told me things that I should hear but I listened. I'm sorry you had to hear this."

"It's fine. How do you feel now?" Seokjin asked as he wiped his tears. "I feel better." I said as I laid down next to him. I decided to sleep my way out of life. I napped with Jin until Namjoon came back home. Breaking a vase. "Ugh just pick up the glass and come sleep with us." "Why does Taehyung have to sleep with us?" "HEY DON'T BE RUDE! He's like the son I never had with you." "Fine. Goodnight Seokjin. Night Taehyungie." Namjoon said as he laid down with us. I drifted off to sleep once again. The only words I hear before darkness engulfed me was 'I stop him for you, Taehyung. I'll stop your suffer once and for all.'