Hurt by the Past

The moment

"You never gonna seeing him, Tessa."
I felt to not being able to breathe nor to think as my stomach did turn to wanna puke.
He looked at me and it said more than words at he wanted me not to meet my friend, I care so much about. I just couldn't normally think anymore nor even saying a single word as it was all gone to speak up or to explaining it. I was empty. Crushed, hurt and empty. I was a horrible person. I gave wrong signals or hope as all was working out perfectly in my mind and when it came to reality, everything was far from perfect or to work out. I didn't hurt only myself but also people's, I care about to much.
"F#$%!" He shouted out and his blond locks falling into his handsome face but I couldn't feel anything of love to him, anymore but rahter friendship, instead and yet I was to scared to say it.
"I need a walk." I only brought forward and went out of our home to write to my friend, who I slowly fell for at he spended his money on nothing at the end for our meet up.
I was walking through the city as the sun was shining and all others seemed happy with no concern at all, I wish to could have switched with them or no, just been like them, too. But, I mess up. Everything and never learn from it. Damn Tessa. You are an pure mess and when can you do things right.? Never. I thought. I wish to just could vanish off this surface. Just I wish it so much. Too much as it would been my escape.

'You think everything is going fine but then one thing goes wrong and another and another and you try to fight back but the harder you fight to deeper you sink till you can't move, you can't breathe, anything else your'e afraid of?'

        ~~Time skip-3months later~~

My friend had since ever then never contacted me, again. No emails or text-message. I had since then stopped secretly eating the emotional pain was to great to ignore. I kept going on an unhappy life and just wished selfish enough my heart would stop. I was an empty shell since ever then and kept countiune this...

Until my co-workers noticed how quiet I had become along with my weight dropping as well and did putting me aside to asking me, what's going on and just could tell them at 'I can't stop.'
They discharged me for the day which I was 'happy' about it and could hide me away, again and suffering me into darkness at my home as Silver wasn't there, currently after I had changed my clothes and just wanted to snap an zero coke until all started to become dizzy and blackness overcame me. I thought 'finally', thought I was sacred of death but yet I couldn't keep feeling these emotions, no longer. I would been free...I would and deserve this.
As an bright withe light came and...

I felt sand and stones underneath me as an lightly wind carenessing my face and I had to look at my side, am' I in heaven? Is this what it feels like? I'am dead.? But there was an forest in my sight and raised myself slowly up to look around more in these amazing surroundings. It felt different but yet I still had weirdly the same painfully feelings. What.? Wait. I still had them.? Oh no. Please no. I want them to been gone. That's not, what heaven should feel like.? I did sobbing suddenly as I raised myself completely up, again. I just dont wanna have them, anymore as I slowly walked to an huge dark looking forest. Wow, I never have seen such an old looking forest with huge trees and you name it. Where the heck, am' I.? Why do I even care.?

I walked into the forest and seeing an overgrown huge stature just did standing there and felt an sudden sadness adding to my own horrible and painfully emotions. Secondly, I had seen this before like it was almost similair to one of my fav. movies, ever. That can't been. Bullshit, that's not possible it was just written and not real at all. No way, my mind was on overdrive all at once and just walked pass it as barely the sun rays were reaching through these huge trees. I turned myself so many times around and couldn't think, anymore. I felt tears coming up into my eyes and hugged myself as I walked. Why me.? Why I could mess it all up? Why I couldn't do something right.? Why I had to hurt peoples as I should stay away from them. I was an horrible person. I broke down and cried an echo went through this forest but none would even hearing it. I was alone and it's the best. I did swear this to me from now on to stay away from peoples and never ever trying to get to close with anyone. No more. I had no tears left and felt sooo exhausted than ever but yet I raised my upper body up as feeling tears still were hanging on my cheeks as a few sun rays shining on them and my hazel eyes seeing suddnely an so beautufil animal standing in it's on shining rays just looking at me.

I stood slowly up but still did watching this beautiful animal and then walked further into this weird forest but somehow I felt it was once an sooo beautiful forest...once. So deeper, I walked into so more creepier it became..I was scared but yet I wasn't...the air became thicker and had to stop a few times as I looked back, my past came haunting back, again and then I ran forward...away from it all...just away. Yet, the feelings did getting me back in my suffering and broke once again down...and in between to fighting with these emotions feeling to pulling me completely apart..I saw shadows...moving..this was my end? For real? Can we die in heaven too? I never got that told and yet seeing an big creature suddenly charging for me like they were everyhwere...UGLY SPIDERS!!!
I SCREAMED!!!!

--
T

hank you for reading this first chapter and the second one is soon out. What gonna happen to Tessa? Will she surive it?

Edit: I do not support any eating disorder or anything, please get help. You all deserve an healthy and happy life.
fantasysoul86