Ana in Wonderland

Reasons to Grieve

When Kyler

came home

that night,

I was waiting,

and he was drunk.

Hey Pres,

he muttered,

falling into bed

beside me.

He rolled onto

his back,

peeking at me

behind heavy eyelids.

I leaned in

to kiss him,

but froze

at the sight

of faded lipstick

against his jawline.

I swallowed,

and jerked away,

standing up.

Get up, Kyler

I growled,

now very angry.

God,

he said,

rolling onto his side

away from me,

Don't start this,

Preslee.

Go to sleep.

No!

I screamed shrilly,

I have put up

with your deadly ways

ever since we lost the baby,

but not anymore.

If you want to

grieve,

Kyler,

grieve with me,

not in another women's arms.

Grieve?

He roared,

climbing to his

feet

to tower over me,

What exactly

are we grieving for,

Preslee?

Because now,

you can starve yourself

all you want,

and you can leave

whenever you wish,

and you can hurt yourself

however you like.

So what

should we grieve for,

Preslee?

I sob,

We should grieve

for you

who can't stay sober,

and for me

who's slowly killing herself,

and for our best friend

who's in her grave,

and our baby

who never got to breathe.

We should grieve

for the facts

I have no reason

to wake up in the mornings,

and you have no reason

to come home at nights.

We should grieve

because you never

meant to fall for me,

for someone like me,

but you did,

and now you hate

both of us for it.

We should grieve

because I shouldn't

have lived this long,

and you're the

only reason I have.

We should grieve

because the people

whom we used to be

are dead;

and an alcoholic

and an anorexic

have replaced them-

His lips cut me off,

heavily,

angrily,

aggressively.

Tonight, he tells me,

pushing me onto the bed,

we're going to pretend

all of that isn't true,

we're going to pretend

we're happy, Preslee.

Afterwards,

he falls asleep

laying on my chest,

as I cry

myself to sleep.

Because even though

it's the most affection

Kyler's shown me

in months,

I can't help but feel

we're saying goodbye.