Temptation Of Grey

Chapter 20 - Breakthrough

Ben was led by Rey by the hand into the interior of the cave. Her interwoven fingers were the source of the warm stream that spread over his hand into the entire body.

With each step, both made further into the interior of the cave, he gets more and more nervous. He had set out to follow Rey's example and explain to her all the unspoken information and open secrets. There was no other way to evolve, and if he was honest with himself, he was fed up with living this lonely life of mischief and intrigue. He wanted to feel closeness and trust again, even though the idea of allowing him to do both things frightened him to death.

After a short while they entered the back cave. The daylight had almost disappeared, so that the room was again shrouded in darkness, which was only slightly lit by the illuminating crystals. "I will rekindle the fire," he said, breaking the link between their hands. Rey nodded and went to the stores to regenerate a similar food ration for both of them.

Ben watched her movements out of the corner of his eye, desperately wondering how he could confidently reveal his hidden feelings. It simply contradicted every instinct, every educated behavior from his perspective, to do this. But yet he knew he had to try if he wanted to leave the past behind and reach a new stage of development. If he wanted to become better and more powerful than he already was.

He stoked the fire and after a short while the flames flared up again warm and inviting, bathing the cave in a soft light. He walked over to Rey, who had sat down on the bedchamber, with her legs crossed, sitting next to the fireplace, and now handed him his food rations. She did not say a word, as if she sensed that the impending conversation demanded a great deal from Ben and that she did not want to pressure him anymore. For a while both ate in silence, staring into the flames. When they finished eating, Ben gave himself a jolt, took a deep breath and looked into her beautiful eyes.

As he began to speak, his gaze wandered off into the distance and his forehead deepened: "After you left the supremacy ... after you left me ..." she looked at him sadly at this words but she did not interrupt him and he nervously rubbed his hand over his chest as he continued to speak "... I was out of my mind, I felt betrayed and abandoned again, my emotions and fears - and with them the dark side of the force - took control of my actions.

For a while I had only revenge, retaliation and destruction in mind. General Hux confronted me and I lied about Snoke's death. I stated that you had killed him and took the lead over the First Order." Rey's eyebrows had jumped up at these words and she had inhaled sharply, but she did not interrupt him at that moment either.

"The only thing that existed in my heart at that moment was pain and the indomitable thirst for revenge which comes with the dark side of the force. What happened after that, you know as good as me," he lowered his head, his fingers pressed to his temples, "I let the rebels haunt to Crait and wanted to destroy everything that hurt me, that made me what I was, and above all, what separated me from you."

Rey was surprised to hear her name in Ben's account of the past events and that it had apparently hurt him so much that she had left him. She had compassion for him and her hurt of letting go was great also, but she also knew that at that time, her decision had been necessary and correct.

Nevertheless, she also remembered her pain, her grief, not just the fact that she had to accept in this moment that she had meant nothing to her parents, but also the pain of having to reject him. After they joint the fight with Snoke and his bodyguards, she had felt so close to him, more than to anyone else in her life, and then ... the moment had been destroyed. But she said nothing at first and continued to listen to him patiently.

"When it was over, when Luke left and you and my mother had fled with the rest of the rebels, the last few seconds we were reconnecting ... I regretted my actions, I should have gone for a different solution, but it was too late. You broke the connection to me and I could feel your anger."

He began wiping his fingers across the weave of the blanket on which both sat and continued: "The next few days, weeks and months have been very revealing to me concerning the deeper structures and the true nature of the First Order.

Snoke had always referred to General Hux as his "rabid dog" that he could use well for his dirty work, but the truth was that Hux has steadily expanded his position of power within the First Order over the last few years and secured the loyalty of many people in key positions.

In addition, after Snoke's death, my mind was now able to re-think and question things more freely, and in many ways, I came to the conclusion that the goals that the First Order pursued were not the right ones; at least not in there absolutely radical form. I began to consider to what extent the first order could be reformed from the inside out and how she could be opened to dialogue on the outside."

I wanted a change. Towards more democratic approaches without completely abandoning the good hierarchical structures and clear rules of the First Order. I also planned to hold talks with the oppositions, who might voluntarily enter into an alliance with the First Order, even without giving up their own legal form. A consensus would certainly be achieved without hostile takeover in many cases.

Hux was aware of and feared my plans and considerations, as they opposed his quest for greater power. My goal was to eventually establish a leadership structure that would control each other to stop excessive power struggles. I wanted to retire permanently, finally let the past die. But I realized that running away here could not be the right solution.

And besides all this, I felt my inner conflict every day. I also felt our connection occasionally, but I never seriously followed her, thinking that after all this, it would not work. I became more and more unbalanced. Until the day I felt my mother's death," with this words, his face darkened even more and he wrapped his arms in protection around himself, "which ultimately put me completely off balance and actually severely weakened my force for a short time and Hux has also discovered it and taken the opportunity to kill me."

He raised his head and looked into her eyes. Rey could clearly see the pain, the regret, the anger in those deep brown mirrors that were now filling with desperate tears.

"That anger, that aggression inside of me, I'm not sure if it's simply a part of me that is unchangeable or if I was trained to think that since I was a kid. Only when I am near you, can I feel balance and peace, then I am able to control my negative emotions. But alone ... alone I do not seem to succeed. And I have no idea what to do next, frankly, this question does not leave me alone. The only thing I know with absolute certainty ... without you I'm lost! ...But I have no right to say this or to demand your affection, after all that has happened."

A single tear broke of his long eyelashes and ran down his cheek at these words. Rey's heart swelled to unimaginable dimensions and tears rose to her eyes too.

"Well," she said softly, "I think you should leave it to me to decide what you deserve and what not." She slowly reached out and touched his arm. "In fact, no matter what you did in the past, what you did to others or me, you did it because of misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and constant manipulation, but I see that you're changing since you're no longer affected. I see your true nature that comes more to light each day, and my force, my instincts, tell me with as certainty that you are the person I belong to, so you can't be thoroughly bad or lost."

She grabbed a little closer to him and laid her slender hand on his tunic, just above his nervously beating heart. Then she looked at him with extreme intensity: "That heart in your body is half Skywalker and half Solo, which means great force-power and great emotions, that inheritance ultimately makes you who you are, not manipulation, abuse, and lies. You're stronger than that. You're basically good, you just have to accept and allow it."

He stared at her, unable to look away, trying to memorize her vision forever. With what expression she looked at him ... loving, strong, compassionate. He was still not sure if he deserved even a bit of that affection but when he let it sink in, he felt healing internal wounds, smoothing scars and eliminating conflict.

He could not resist the urge to reach for her and pull her into his arms. So they sat quietly by the fire for a while. Intertwined, stroking each other across the back. Then he murmured into her hair: "You saved me, because you bring my emotions in balance." and she replied, "And you saved me, for you give me belonging and destiny."