Temptation Of Grey

Chapter 6 - Proximity and Distance

Rey could do nothing but cling to Ben deeper just now. After the nightmare, he was like the only anchor in her chaotic world. She knew it was absurd, that this man means basically anything but security to her. He was one of the reasons why her life was chaotic, why she had gotten into this story. But as much as the facts would tell her, that Ben was not good for her, her instincts told her the exact opposite. Her instinct almost screamed at her to hold him and never let go, and she could not resist that call.

She wondered, her hands clasped around his neck and her cheek clinging to the soft fabric of his shirt, whether he feels the same as she received. The same urge to be with her, to seek her nearness. Since he didn't push her away but only shuddered slightly, she at least assumed that his closeness to her was not unbearable.

Ben noticed that Rey had tightened her grip on him, but slowly began to relax and calm down. She practically sat on his lap, her legs wrapped around his waist, left and right, arms around his neck, breathing in and out. Her breath brushed his neck with every move.

He was still trapped in the sensations that came from being close to her -the closeness to another human being- in him. The urge to push her away changed within seconds to the urge to let her never go and back. These contradictory feelings made him shiver easily.

Normally he would never allow such a touch, in addition to this tight body contact. This kind of vulnerability could be fatal in the environment in which he grew up in the First Order. But now, with Rey in his arms, that feeling was so overwhelming that he had to give in to it. It wasn't a conscious decision, it was a compulsion, an addiction he had to give in.

This confused and unsettled him, for he had been taught not to want, need, or love anyone. He had said it himself to Rey while one of her forcebond connections: needing someone is a weakness and weakness is not desirable.

Despite that, despite what he had been taught, he now pulled her closer to him and stroked her back slowly and uncertainly. He didn't want to do it, but his subconscious mind didn't care what his will wanted.

Rey noted with astonishment the movements of Ben's hands on her back. She decided not to ask why he gave her those soothing pats. She didn't want him to stop so she didn't say anything for a while, closed her eyes and relaxed under the gentle touch.

After a while, she broke the silence and said, "Ben?" He flinched briefly and gave only a short hum: "Mmh?" She asked him, "Ben, why and how exactly were you hurt so badly? I felt your grief over your mother and then your strong wounding through our connection, but could not grasp what happened ..."

He stiffened and didn't answer at first. His hands had completely stopped their movements. After a few seconds, Rey sighed, "I don't want to argue, not tonight." She pulled away from him and leaned her head up to look at him: "You don't have to tell anything if you don't want to ... I ... was just curious, how it came to be."

Ben returned her open gaze and answered, to his own astonishment, "The death of my mother ... it unexpectedly hit me extremely hard to feel her die." He looked to the side and his eyes went blank: "Apparently, the connection to her was still so strong that her death has destroyed all my concentration, I had trouble unfolding my power in the force, and Hux took advantage of this, he knew from the beginning that Snoke's death was the result of what I did, not yours, just waiting like a viper in the background to stab me in the back at the first opportunity."

He lifted Rey lightly and set her down beside him on the edge of the bed. Her weight didn't seem to matter as if she were just a small child. With the termination of body contact, Rey could feel that he was mentally starting to build up a distance, a barrier. She regretted that, but thought that it was necessary for him to continue reporting.

"Hux took the time after Snoke's death to prepare his betrayal in the background. He never recognized me as a legitimate successor, as the supremeleader. Only my strength has kept him from directly opposing me. He certainly also noted my emerging First Order concerns and desire to reform their system."

Ben had risen and slowly moved through the room as he spoke, then turned to face Rey and his eyes reflected suspicion and dissatisfaction to himself. "They were trying to get me into one of the combustion chambers to get rid of me." She looked at him in horror and he continued, "I was released from my unconsciousness in time and got to one of the long-range fighters and escaped. I was hurt, as you have come along."

She stared at him sadly for a few seconds, then got up as well and walked slowly towards him: "Ben!"

"That's why you should not need anyone." He looked at her and the familiar anger and distrust again marked his gaze: "Relationship means dependence, weakness and danger!"

She stopped at a distance from him, thinking briefly about what had been said, and then looked at him calmly and resolutely, "And yet it is relationships that fill our whole being, our actions, and our motivation with meaning. Without relationships you have no goal, no sense of life. Even if it's just that the bad relationship with your parents caused you to want to destroy them."

She paused for a moment and then whispered, "To be honest, I have never met a person who was more influenced by relationships than you, but unfortunately in a negative way, that you regard a relationship as something bad is understandable, especially since Snoke has strengthened you in this belief."

He stared at her with a mixture of anger and surprise over her wise words that contained a profound truth.

"I'm sorry that they've done this to you, that they've gotten yourself to regard everyone as a potential threat to your strength, I know you think I'm weak because I long for my parents, for belonging. But I consider this urge, this attribute of my character, as my greatest strength, and I firmly believe that this is the reason why I have mastered all the difficult situations in my life so far."

Rey wrapped her arms around herself and looked at him: "On this point, I also have to disagree with the Jedi rules, I will never renounce everything and everyone to become a Jedi, because those people who mean something to me are the engine of all my positive and negative actions. I wish you could understand that, I wish you could trust."

She looked sad. There was no pity for him in her eyes, only compassion and he couldn't stand that look. The danger was too great to surrender to this compassion, her compassion for him. This frightened him even more than the question of his future.

"Let's try to sleep for a while again." he replied instead. She lowered her eyes and didn't try to resume the subject. Rey was already surprised that he hadn't responded with aggression and defense to her words. It also confused her a bit.

"Yes, that will probably be the best." she answered him. She went back to the bed, arranged the crumpled linen and lay down on it. "Ben?" He looked at her "Yes?" she hesitated ... then she said, "Thank you for being there for me after the dream."

He was unable to respond, didn't know what to answer. He didn't even know why he had been there for her. If he had been honest with himself, he would have had to admit the reason. Compassion was something that not only Rey felt for him, conversely, he already felt that for her. But he didn't reply and so the moment passed over.

She nodded briefly and then closed her eyes to sleep again.