Depression (COMPLETED)

VII

VII

I took another piece of paper and smoothed it out against the hard wood of my desk. Fighting through the tears, I got started on the next letter. This was to my little sister.

Amy,

What to say? Where to start? I can't explain to you how I feel about you. You have disappointed me in so many ways, but I have a feeling that now I am the one disappointing you.

Over the past few months, years even, we have fought, we have hurt, but most of all we have loved. That is because I love you Amy, not because we are sister and I have too, but because you truly are an amazing person. After mum died everything went downhill for us, yes at the start we were there for each other, but after that nothing was left. I spent a long time wishing we could improve our relationship, but with all that has gone on I think we've completely destroyed it instead.

I feel mad at you all the time. Whenever you do something I get mad. I blame you for mum's death and I know I should know that it isn't your fault, but I just feel like you caused it, which is stupid since it is clearly not true.

You have just found your first love, and I should be happy for you because Nathan is such an amazing boy, he is kind, attentive and he is clearly madly in love with you, but there is just something about him that makes me shiver with distaste. Probably because he reminds me of a younger Barclay. I envy your relationship with each other, because whenever you guys are together, it's like I can smell the love coming off you. It's so intoxicating and I feel like you're shoving it in my face, mocking me because you are happy and I'm not. I feel like you are laughing at me because you have a boyfriend who loves you, when my relationship is only hanging on by a thread.

I don't know if you realize but you are so happy and so in love at the moment, so soon after Mum died. It's unreal, unnatural and I hate you because if it. I feel like you no longer care that our mother died!

I want to scream at you, tell you to stop being so happy and just be sad instead! And, trust me, I know that this isn't fair, but it's just how I feel. I know different people have different types of grieving, it's just that yours just seems so unhuman, but maybe this is your way to get over the pain. I know that different people have different types of grief, but you're not even grieving, you have just forgotten and moved on. I want to walk over to you when you're in mid laugh and slap you around the face. I want to yell at you to stop laughing and cry for a change.

Have you ever had a sleepless night, where you just lie in bed and start crying because you are so tired and all you want to do is sleep? Do you know how horrible that feeling is? Well, I lay in bed, for hours in the dark. Just thinking about every possible thing in my life. I do this just so I don't fall asleep and dream dreams of mum and us being happy. Or dreams when I was happy, because I know they will never be true, and it makes me so sad to know that, so I would rather stay up all night than dream of the impossible.

I know you Amy, and I know that you are probably thinking that I am taking the easy way out, but I'm not, because leaving isn't a sign of weakness, it just means I have been strong for too long.

And Amy, I'm not taking the easy way out, I'm choosing to do this because the hard way is too hard for me to take. The hard way would be to get help and get better, but I'm too broke for that, I am so broken I can feel it. I mean, physically feel it. This feeling is far more than feeling sad, it's affecting my whole body.

I know that this is hard for you, because there was a time when I said that I would always be there for you. But the simple truth is that I tired of pretending to be happy for everyone else's sake's. The rest of the truth is that behind my smile, is a hurting heart, and behind my laugh I am falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see that the girl I am, isn't me.

You know when you ask me if I'm okay, and I always said I am, even if you and I both know that what that really mean is, no, I'm not okay, but I smile anyway to hide it. I'm done pretending. I'm just done. You know when you tell a lie for a long time, you start to believe that lie, well that happened to me. I told everyone that I was okay every day, I told a lie so much that I started to believe I was okay, when clearly I'm not. But some days when I said I was okay, I just wanted someone to look me in the eye and pull me in for a hug and said "I know you're not"... but nobody ever did.

So this is the end of my letter Amy, I don't want to end it because I know what is going to happen next, but I have to because this is the only solution for me. This is the only way that it will get any better for me, but I want you to know that I am sorry. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry I make mistakes. I'm sorry I hurt people. I'm sorry if I am hurting you, but when I said I'm sorry, I actually mean it.

Oh and please don't worry about the pain I might have felt when I brought the knife to my wrist because you and I both know that I have always been a good painter, but there's a twist in this story: my brush is my blade and my canvas is my wrist.

Emily.

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Chapter 7 for you.

No image in the media, but The Scientist by Coldplay is up for you to listen to.

I hope you enjoyed.