Depression (COMPLETED)

VIII

VIII

After sealing Amy's letter in an envelope, I took yet another piece of paper and, once again, smoothed it out before placing the tip of the pen against the piece of paper and once again, I start to write.

Barclay,

I don't really know what to say... what is there to say? What can I say to make this easier for you? Nothing. Nothing I say will make this easier for you, because the pain you must be going through, it's nothing my words can cure.

I know I'm nothing special, but for some reason, whenever I was around you, I felt special. I felt loved, treasured, cared for and happy, so I always told myself that if I just stayed with you then everything would be fine, but life isn't that easy and I've convinced myself that you are not my cure, you're more like my drug; you make me happy for a while but after a bit it wears off.

You must be thinking that what I've done isn't fair, that I should have gotten help and stayed to help my dad, my sister and to be with you. You must think I'm selfish, but I'm not because as hard as this may be for you to believe, some people do actually feel like their whole world has landed on top of them. Some people do want to end their lives, and some people do smile just to stop their tears from falling.

The question that annoys me the most is "How are you?" because I always said "Fine" when my heart is actually screaming at me to said "Broken. Alone. Useless. Clueless. Confused. Fragile. On the verge of tears. Betrayed. Depressed. Pathetic. Crushed. Ready to give up. Empty. Defeated. Not good enough. Distant. Bitter. Hurt. Painful. Sad. Unhappy. I'm just a burden. About to break down."

I don't know what to said, Barclay. I'm lost for words, speechless from all these emotions that are running through my body. My heart is telling me no, there is still hope, but my brain is telling me yes, you've hit rock bottom and there are no stairs up.

I have this constant battle inside of me: My heart vs my brain. My heart is telling me to stop writing and take this letter and shred it, burn it, destroy it and go get help. My brain on the other hand is persuading me to continue writing, place these letters on the table and take that knife to my wrist because there is no other way to make this pain go away. Everyone is always saying that we should listen to our head, but rule with our heart, but I just can't. I'm listening to my heart, and it's telling me to stop because everything will be okay, but the truth is, everything is not okay, and that's why I'm ruling with my head.

I don't expect you to understand, hell I don't understand myself, but I only hope that you will accept. I hope you accept this sad situation and move on, because nothing would pain me more than to see you hurt because of me.

My time is running out, but I still have thousands of things to tell you, to explain to you and not all of them will be said, but I hope while you are reading this letter you can feel them. I hope you believe me when I said this Barclay, I hope you believe me when I said I love you, because I do. I love you so, so much and that's one of the problems. I love you so much it makes me cry, because I know that when it finally happens, when someone will take you away from me or you will leave, I will fall apart. I'm scared that my love won't be enough to make you stay.

Do you remember that day, two weeks after my mum died, when we were sitting by the river, hand in hand just forgetting the world and you said 'pain makes you stronger, fear makes you braver and heartbreak makes you wiser.' Well, at the time, it was my motto because for a while the pain did make me stronger and the fear did make me braver. The heartbreak defiantly made me wiser because I understood that you never know what you have until you lose it.

Well, now I have something to add to it. 'Pain makes you stronger, fear makes you braver, heartbreak makes you wiser, and this feeling it makes you forget about all of it.' You never know what you have until you lose it? Bullshit. You always know what you have, you just never think you'll lose it.

I suppose I should said goodbye, or something like that, but as simple as it sounds, I can't bring myself to place the tip of my pen on this piece of paper and write goodbye. Maybe it's because I can't bring myself to end my last words to you, or maybe it's simply because I'm afraid. We go to school every day and we learn pointless things, but we are never taught how to love ourselves. We aren't taught how to make, the moments last. But I think the most unfair thing, is that we are never taught how to stand up in front of the person you love and said goodbye. Sure, we said bye all the time, but we are never really saying goodbye. I think we are scared that when the goodbye leaves our lips we will have nothing else to say. Goodbye is always an ending, never a beginning and never a middle.

Nobody said life was going to be easy, they never promised wealth, love, the whole package. Some people said that it would be worth it, but most people said they didn't realize it was going to be this hard, well guess what. It is.

Barclay I hope you won't forget that I love you. I loved you then, I love you now. I always have and I always will. I just won't be there to show it.

And just remember, at the end, we only regret the chances we never took, the relationships we were too afraid to take, and the decisions we waited too long to make.

I decided not to sign this letter. Don't ask me why because I am not one hundred percent sure, but maybe it's because I can't bring myself to say goodbye to the boy I love. The boy who makes me feel happy even when this black cloud is forever hovering above my head.

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Chapter 8 for you. I hope you liked it, and tbh I might of cried whilst rereading it. 

Let her go by Passenger in the media.

I hope you enjoyed.