For the First Time Again

Chapter 21

I lost it.

Martin was so devastated and it is because of me. Bakit kailangan mag-suffer din siya? Bakit di niya nalang ako kinausap?

Mahal pa ba niya ako? Totoo ba yung sinabi niya sa akin? I am the girl he's been telling me since the wedding!

Ang sakit. Pero bakit? Eh ano kung ikaw yung babaeng tinutukoy niya?

"If he loves you then what? Sinabi ba ng puso mo ngayon na maging thankful nalang sa 'kin at bumalik ka na kay Martin?" Because that's what your words seem to say. Tang ina. I took a deep breath and I saw her shaking her head.

"No. No. It's. No. I'm sorry, Gab."

Shit. Mali ba? Mali ba yung ginawa ko na protektahan siya? Mali ba na ayoko lang maulit yung dati? Mali ba na naging kami? Mali ba na hinayaan ko siyang makasama si Martin? Tang ina. Mali ba na ako naman yung magmahal sa kanya?

"Tell me. Tell me what's in your mind now!"
"Gab, I don't know. Nasasaktan ako pero di ko alam kung dapat ba kong masakatan. I'm happy kasi you always look out for me and you love me."
"Pero hindi enough diba? Iba pa rin ba si Martin?" Para akong tanga.
"What? No!" Hindi ko alam pero ang sakit. I'm fucking terrified to lose her.

"Gab."

I'm frustrated. Hindi ko alam na ganto pala. Sobrang takot ako. I don't wanna lose her.

"Gab, what's the last thing we talked about before the accident or bago ako tumigil makipag-communicate sa inyo?"

- - -

It's two o'clock in the morning and she called again.

"Hindi ka pa ba napapagod? Mag-iisang taon ka na niyang di kinakausap."
"Nag-usap na ba kayo?" Umiiyak na naman siya.
"Yeah, takot daw siya."
"Bakit? Hindi naman ako galit eh. Bakit ba dapat ganito? Have I done something bad? Bakit kailangan pati friendship namin?"
"Dunno. Move on, Lene. I'm just here. You know how I feel about you."
"I still love him, Gab." Olats talaga ako kay Martin.
"Don't let him ruin you." Siyempre, late naman tong sinasabi ko. She's ruined for almost a year now.

"I won't let him have you anymore."
"Huh? Ano bang nangyari sa inyo?"
"Nag-usap kami. Nag-away lang kami. Sabi niya 'wag daw akong makialam kasi hindi ako siya. Babalikan mo pa ba siya?"
"May babalikan pa ba ako?"
"You can always come back to me."
"Gab, if he wants me back. I'll come back to him." Double kill. Ilang taon na nga rin ba akong talo?
"Hindi ka naman niya naaappreciate eh."
"So anong gagawin ko?"
"Move on. Di mo naman kailangang maghabol sa taong di ka naaappreciate."
"Ang hirap eh!"
"Umuwi ka na nga dito para makamove on ka. Para makita mo pinagbago ni Martin. Nawawalan na ko ng pasensya kay Marts eh."
"Gab, if umuwi ako at wala akong napala. Will you still be there? Friends pa rin tayo?"
"Oo naman. We can be more than friends kung gusto mo."
"Baliw. Alam mo naman eh. You don't have to wait for me." Triple kill. Sakit.
"You can always count on me, Lene. Basta tama na. You don't have to torment yourself. Pakawalan mo na kasi yung inyo ni Martin."
"Sige. I'll do my best."

- - -

I took a deep breath.
"Sabi mo babalik ka sa kanya pag gusto niya na bumalik ka. I just kept on convincing you that you need to move on and that you can always count on me whatever may happen. Shit. I knew this would happen. If you need to break up with me, it's okay. Naiintindihan ko. You can always start--."