My Mistake - My Mistake trilogy part 1

Reflection- interlude chapter

Claude tapped the cigarette on the rim of the ashtray, snuffing it out and creating a lazy pillar of pale grey smoke that reached halfway to the ceiling before it faded away.

"Bring me another one."

Hannah obliged, of course; she was his maid.

Titling his head back after receiving another cigarette from Hannah, his thoughts drifted to the ebony haired butler he had once courted. And, subsequently, married. They had been happy that first night, young and free from all the restrictions placed on them. With parents nowhere to be found, Claude had finally tasted the sweetness of his husband's body. The rest of that night passed under a violet haze, induced by pleasure.

Their first honeymoon. It lasted a week..

And then came the news; relayed to him in tears in the corner of their bathroom, clutching a pink stick. Sebastian was pregnant. Claude hadn't known what to think, and even now he could remember the phrase he had stuttered to the younger demon out of desperation:

"You'll be okay. We'll get through it." Hopeful words in a moment when it felt like everything had been pulled out from beneath him.

The call to Sebastian's parents. The worry at first, which blossomed into hope. Questions: how long had they known? Any symptoms? More. Harmless teasing. Claude earned his nickname;

Renegade.

Four months passed.

The girl - it was a girl, Claude was told over the phone, Sebastian's voice rising high with excitement - received a name.

Louette, Lola for short. Names had been tossed around, and this one had stuck with them. Finally there was something to call her other than a child. More than a mistake.

Claude hadn't admitted it out loud- he wouldn't dare - but he still thought of her as a mistake from time to time when he was ornery. And he was known for his temper.

The meeting with the king and queen. Guilt and fear choking them as the two nobles debated;

Keep the child?

Or the other option, only used in situations where it was deemed the father wouldn't stay. Or when the family wouldn't support.

A brown bottle containing nightshade, a liquid almost as black as Corvus' rivers. Guaranteed to trigger a miscarriage.

They allowed him to keep her.

Not like it did much good anyway, Claude thought. No. It hadn't.

Two months later, totaling six.

Sebastian calling him to come home fast, telling him there was blood and sharp, sharp pains that almost felt like contractions. The buzz of Sebastian's parents - Maxim and Nou - in the background. More begging, then a yell. Almost a scream.

Claude had dropped the files he was working on and fled the building where he was working, ignoring the looks and questions. He had to get home. His chest ached, every harsh breath feeling like glass in his lungs.

Pulling open the door, taking the stairs two by two until, finally, he reached Sebastian's room.

Ten minutes of pain.

A small, grey child. Nou said she couldn't detect a pulse. There was no cry.

A sharp pain in Claude's chest, like something had ripped his heart out of his chest and, while it was still beating, thrust at it with a knife. A dull one, because that hurt more. So much pain. He didn't know it was possible.

Sebastian was only eighteen, Claude older by a year. Comfort. Words. Maxim saying they needed to talk out in the hallway.

Asking him if he was alright. Stress coming out as anger until they both understood. 

The separation between him and Sebastian; more mental than physical. No words spoken for a week. Claude's battered heart searching for the others rhythm.

Drinking and bad habits. He had taken up smoking again. Wasting away. His mouth had become foul again. Threats of having his status taken away unless he cleaned up.

So he did. For his own sake, and Sebastian's. Even though the work felt tedious.

Something weighed on his heart as Claude finished the cigarette, resting it again on the rim of the ashtray. Hannah stepped over to pick it up.

"You think he forgives me?"

Hannah shook her head. That was all the words he needed to know that this time around was just as much as a mistake as the first had been. It didn't necessarily mean his actions of insulting Sebastian had been justified, but it did mean something. He had forgotten to apologize.

Maybe he would.

If he saw Sebastian again.

He would tell him all those words he had wanted to say, speaking as freely as he had....

....on the night of the honeymoon that started it all.