Adore walks in to find BIANCA DEL RIO and COURTNEY ACT together. Like, as a couple. What the Hell? When did this happen? Adore shouldn't care but... Bianca is her biggest crush
*rolls in with sunglasses and a piña colada* I'm back bitches. I've just got out of hospital so I've written this crap short chapter and it's terrible don't judge 😂
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Anyhow (did I mention this is dreadful and I'll probs rewrite it at some point)
Yeah this is super terrible. Please kill me I'm dying inside (literally)
Anyway
Next thing I know I'm sat in this weird ass cafe with Shane. It's weird because the staff keep checking on us every ten seconds, like the staff in Lush do. They're probably going to whip out bath bombs anytime soon. "So Steve," Shane says. "What about him?" I really really REALLY don't want to extend this web of lies. "Where did you meet?" "He slid in my DMs." "You actually reply to your DMs?" "You don't?" "No! They're always horny twelve year olds. Or 56 year old French men sending me dick pics." "But 56 year old French men are hot. GURL get a sugar daddy." "I already have a sugar daddy." "Who?" "Roy." "You guys are like.. yknow... a thing?" "Pretty much."
My heart basically smashes on the floor along with my dreams of marrying Roy, us both in drag, shoving chocolate cake into each others' faces, Stevie Nicks blasting in the background, my mom probably crying, Katya and Trixie back together, my dress one of those lace ones, yknow the ones that are short and puffy and- "Danny?" He's waving his hand across my face. "Sorry. I was hallucinating." "Erm.. okay..." "Congrats. When did it happen?" "It was quite romantic actually. We-"
He blathers on for a bit and I don't really listen. Why would I want to know about my best friend and my crush hooking up or whatever they're into. "- we actually had sex yesterday and it-" Oh my god. Can he please not go in detail? Personally, I would rather not learn about the anatomy of Roy's penis. Damn. I need a new man. Hopefully an African guy called Steve will show up and whisk me away to somewhere. Like I would personally thank him even if he took me to the most homophobic place on earth
"Howdy boiiiiiiiiiiiis."
We both fall silent and look to see our waiter, grinning like he'd just killed a man. "Erm... Hi?" Shane looks as confused as I am. "Oh my lord Jesus take the wheel and drive me into a cactus. You're British." "I'm Australian actually but they do sound similar." Shane trying to be benevolent as per usual. "Close enough. They're in the same hemisphere!" "They're really not-" "How are you guys?" Fine until you turned up, I long to say. I'm dying inside "Great," I attempt a great smile to show how great I am. "What's your order, American?" Is he asking me? Oh wait I'm American. I wish I wasn't to be honest. "Can I have the large pepperoni pizza?" "Never heard of it." "It says it in the menu." I indicate the picture. "That's not its name."
Don't make me say it. I swear to fucking god. I will kill you.
I sigh. "Can I have the large rootin-tootin lord cowboy horse man pizza with extra meat?" "Of course, American." I look at Shane for emotional support. This is the most humiliating thing I have ever had to undergo. Inside I'm like
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"Can I just have a salad? This one." Shane points to it. It's called the leafy boy party pooper salad with extra leaves. "Of course, New Zealand." Why the fuck. Why- WHY DID I HAVE TO SAY ROOTIN-TOOTIN LORD COWBOY HORSE MAN PIZZA WITH EXTRA MEAT AND SHANE JUST HAD TO SAY SALAD?!
ITS BECAUSE he's hot isn't he?
GrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRR.
I wanna jump off a pier.
Oh damn this is super terrible. Imma be more active and get my shit together
