Turmoil [Emmett Cullen] (3)

[6- Amendments]

True to Emmett's word, things did get better. I didn't even realise how much the guilt was consuming me until he pointed it out. The only time I had ever felt something similar was after my accident when I met Emmett. He helped me find myself again, he helped me see the light when I couldn't.

This whole process wasn't as simple as forgiving myself and moving on. Progress wasn't going to be fast. I had a lot of anger and guilt seething so overcoming this obstacle in my mind wouldn't be simple. I needed to change the way I saw myself. I needed to accept myself as imperfect with limited knowledge and realize that I will make mistakes. The alternative was I could hate myself for it, which was something I tried to do but couldn't live with.

Carlisle was a huge help in all of this. Though he wasn't an expert in mental health, he helped me figure out that I imprisoned myself in my mind, getting caught up by the need to create everything perfectly. When things did go wrong, I couldn't let go, feeling weighed down by everything I didn't do right. Carlisle helped me shift my thinking from this to the mindset of 'what I can do better next time.'

I worked towards achieving balance in my life. Of course I spent time with family, whether it be hunting or designing with Esme or going to the college with Carlisle but it was just as important to spend time alone programming or running.

At the end of November, almost 3 months after they left, Jasper and Alice rejoined us in Ithaca.

"How's Jasper?" I asked Alice privately once they arrived home.

She smiled warmly, "Much better. He just needed some time."

"Have you seen Edward?"

"Actually yes. We met in Biloxi."

"Mississippi? What's in Mississippi?"

"I was. And my relatives," she admitted.

I looked at her in surprise, "You traced your family? How?"

"Mostly old newspapers. Nothing like your level of hacking but after what James said I had to find out for myself." Emmett already told me about her backstory that Bella accidentally uncovered. Alice proceeded to tell me about her life as a human. She successfully tracked down the asylum where she'd spent the last years of her human life. The life she had no memory of.

I guess in some twisted, sick way, it was better that Alice had absolutely no memory of her time as a human, particularly in the mental asylum. I couldn't imagine remembering electroshock torture and being confined in a room with no light as a form of punishment.

The only positive to this was Alice found out she had a niece who may be alive. Alice hadn't been able to find her. I offered to help using my methods, it was the least I could do.

Things were feeling slightly more normal when Jasper and Alice returned. The only thing missing was Edward. Trying to figure out his location was a nightmare. Occasionally he called but he normally used disposable phones so I couldn't pinpoint his exact location at any time. Since my new facial recognition was proving to be more challenging than I anticipated, I couldn't use it. So far I only figured out he went to Shreveport, Louisiana and Texas.

Jasper decided to take some philosophy classes at Cornell University since he enjoyed it at Dartmouth. Alice stayed at home, working on a new online fashion brand. I juggled accompanying Esme to Bletchley and working on my project. 

Emmett and I always attempted to devote at least some portion of the day to doing dumb stuff outside. We loved tree javelin, football, basketball, and swimming; anything to cut loose. Since it was December and all the leaves had fallen off the trees, we needed to stay on high alert for people. It would be problematic to say the least if a hiker saw me leap 40 feet in the air to catch a football.

But unfortunately today was not one of those days, Alice insisted that we go shopping in New York City.

"Alice, it's close to Christmas. The city will be a zoo," I whinged.

She shook her head and continued, "Nonsense, it's only the 12th. Stop making excuses, El. You probably haven't gone out shopping in a year."

"Fine," I grumbled in defeat. Alice was right. I've been mostly raiding Emmett's closet and buying clothes online. "But I want to drive."

"Is there anything you need?" I asked Emmett as I was about to leave. He shook his head.

"Alright, I'll see you tonight." We kissed and Alice and I began the long drive down.

We took the Volvo since I didn't want to risk driving the Lamborghini on the slick roads. Also in a place like New York City, I didn't want to attract extra attention with an ostentatious car. Nevertheless the drive was pleasant. Being away and then reunited with Alice made me realise how much I missed her. She could be annoying, occasionally driving me to the edge but she always had good intentions.

"How's Bella?" I asked as we passed through Scranton, Pennsylvania. Even though Ithaca and New York City were in the same state, it was fastest to drive through Pennsylvania and New Jersey.

"Edward doesn't want me to look at her future," Alice replied evenly. She used that voice when she was hide something.

"I'm not Edward."

"Alice," I pressed. Alice was stubborn but I was more.

"Fine. I get occasional visions of her. Unintentional of course. She's ... struggling. She pushed all her friends away, Charlie considered sending her back to Phoenix."

"She's still in Forks? Why wouldn't she go back to Arizona?" I asked, confused. Alice shrugged. If I was in her position, I would have jumped at the chance to leave. But perhaps that's what separated us; I ran from my emotions, Bella endured them.

Finally we got to New York City. Our first stop was 5th Avenue. We were essentially doing one of those 'hop-on hop-off' bus tours but instead of seeing sites, we went to high end stores. Prada, Gucci, Bottega Veneta, Dolce & Gabbana, as well as a few brands that I'd never heard of; the list went on.

I always felt so uncomfortable in these designer stores. For starters, physically Alice was 19 and I was 18 and people our age weren't exactly their target market. But as soon as they realised that Alice and I — primarily Alice— were serious customers, the store attendants were completely different people.

Once we finished going to Alice's long list of stores, we went to mine. Over the years, Alice and I finally reached a compromise about my clothing and outfits. She could pick out clothing, as long as it fit my style or was from a brand I liked. Compared to her, my preferences in clothing brands were cheap; Tommy Hilfiger, Patagonia. The only thing I considered paying astronomical prices for were jeans. Even as a human, I struggled finding jeans that fit. I was reasonable tall but proportionally, my legs were much longer. It's incredible how many more options there were when when you're willing to pay $400 per a pair.