Harry Potters Twin Book Four

Bargaining and Depression

The castle was still looking for me. It's been hours and they still couldn't find me. It wasn't like I was hiding or anything, in fact, I was in plain sight.

I was sitting under the beach tree next to the Black Lake, just looking over at it blankly.

I couldn't get over the guilt that I felt over all of this. I had a sculpture of Cedric just hours ago and I released all of my anger out at it, now the sense of guilt was nawing at my insides.

If only I had spent more time with him before the third task. . .

Those thoughts kept filling my head. If only I had did all those things then I would have felt less guilt.

I should have sticked by his side when he died, then at least he would have had a warm hand to hold when all he seen was the emerald green light. . .

I would give anything and everything to see him again, with that cute smile on his face. But nothing would bring him back, and I knew that.

I wanted to be angry again, because at least then I had found someone to blame; but now all I wanted to do was sit and think about him. He had always been so happy, I never really saw him sad before. Maybe that's why I loved him so much; because he was so optamistic, he was such a. . . Hufflepuff.

Every time I was with him I felt as though I weren't myself, like I could be one of those normal girls whose worst worries were that they couldn't find shoes to match with their skirts. Those days were over, even though I missed them. I wanted to be that girl again, the girly girl I was the many times I was with him.

If only I had taken pictures of us together, then I would have something to remember him by.

I looked out at the lake, it was night time and it was a full moon also. It was all so beautiful; the moon even had a small tinge of blue in it - just like the time Cedric first kissed me.

I found it strangely ironic that I sought the place where my happiness truly began even though I was filled with grief now.

I leaned back in the tree and wished that Cedric' arm was wrapped around my shoulder, giving me warmth in this cold, cold night. I wanted to join him, where ever he was.

I've never felt so lonely before, that's the most awful thing about all of this. If I felt around my aching heart, I felt as though everything inside of me had been scooped out and all that was left was a big gaping hole.

Everything in my life was over. Life, love, meaning, all of it was over.

I tried to think of something I did have in my life right now, as I looked over at the lake, but nothing came to mind. Who did I have who cared one hundred percent about me like Cedric had?

Certainly not Hermione, who had abandoned me this year because she was worried about Harry.

Definetly not Ron, who I had been cruel to since I met him on the Hogwarts Express that first year.

Clearly not Bonnie, who hadn't spoke to me all year.

Easily not Dani, who cared more about Fred then anything else around her.

And Harry. . . who had so much on his mind and so many people who cared about him. . . sometimes I wondered if he even needed me? I felt as though I was dragging him down, that he could accomplish so more without his twin attached to his hip, like I always was.

Would he have been able to help Cedric if he wasn't worried about his little twin sister hiding behind a rock?

I looked out at the lake and admired the beauty, it was flawless. The light blue moon hung so low over it, and it was so large. I could see it reflecting over the still surface of the lake. It looked just like that night Cedric and I began our relationship full of happiness.

I felt like I was tarnishing it's memory of happiness, when I was so miserable right now.

I wish I could end this misery, before it started to affect anyone around me; before I could bring Harry down with me any more. I should have died with Cedric in the graveyard, then at least we would have never seperated.

But you don't need to be seperated any longer, said a small voice in the back of my mind.

I flinched when I heard it, knowing what it suggested that I should do. Another voice, a much larger voice in my head, argued with it.

And what would you do? Abandon your brother, who would only have your cousins left?

The small voice spoke again, this time much louder. Harry has Sirius as a family member, who is like a father and brother to him. He would be happy while you would be miserable.

He needs you, he would be devestated if you left him.

He would get over it, just like he got over your parents.

The small voice in my head was very reasonable, I couldn't help but think. Harry would get over it if I died, and if he didn't, then he did have Sirius. The lake, which I had been watching with an ache in my chest, looked more and more welcoming.

It made sense too, in a ironic way, that I should end my misery where my happiness had began. In the night as perfect as this, the night that was almost identicle to the night Cedric kissed me. It wouldn't really be the end either; well, maybe for my body, but my soal would move on and join Cedric's, where we would be together forever and no one would ever be able to take him away from me ever again.

I took one deep breath, the last I would ever take, and got to my feet. . .

*~*

This is the last chapter, or update, what ever you want to call it.

Just to tell all my fans out there: I AM TOTALLY AGAINST SUICIDE.

The whole time I was writing this I was practically yelling at Nixie that she was the biggest moron I had ever heard of. I mean, Cedric was just a boy, and she had so many people who loved her, why on earth would she be thinking this stuff?

I seriously don't even want to publish this right now, I've been sitting in front of my computer for thirty minutes with my mouse on 'Save & Publish' and I just can't press it. I feel as though this might not be a good idea to publish it. . . but I worked so hard on it *pout* I'm not good at thinking of depressive thoughts, I don't think like this at all.

I'm more of a suck it up and move on kind of girl.

Nixie's an idiot in this chapter and I feel like just erasing it, but I don't know why I can't. I guess it just puts alot of suspense in it.

Just to tell you again: I AM AGAINST SUICIDE AND NIXIE IS A COMPLETE IDIOT! I WISH I COULD JUMP IN THE BOOK AND GIVE HER A NICE KICK IN THE FACE!

And again, this is the last chapter and update.

Hope you don't hate me.