Dating your Coworker- The 12 Year Difference

Heaven

Suicide trigger warning

The things that time does, the things we choose to ignore. It's hard on me and I haven't accepted it, the inevitable is going to come. He spent days warning me, years telling me and it never prepared me for this moment. I had to leave, just to cry. I was outside, the concrete chilled from the fall air. Leaves scattered around were dead and so dull, the bright colors were just so dull now. My vision was blurry and I just wanted to scream.

All the years.

So many years.

"Jare," a deep voice crept behind me. I sighed and it was shaky and stupid, just like everything. Everything was stupid this is why I was committed so many times and-

"Jared buddy," Jensen sat next to me on the bench and pressed his hand on my shoulder. He rubbed circles into the jacket I was wearing. 

I didn't realize how hard I was sobbing or even how loud. I felt like the wailing old lady in the background of cartoon funerals. 

I leaned over onto Jensen and held him closer to me than he already was. His arm slipped around my shoulders and his hand gripped onto me like he was trying to push all my broken pieces back together.

"Every flame dies and the embers always burn out," Misha came out with West next to him, "we can remain cold but it's your choice whether you grab a jacket."

"He's right you know," Jensen said, "you can try and deal with this or you can over mourn."

I inhaled and my lungs filled with hatred, the air was too cold and windy it fueled me. 

"Oh fuck off," I grunted out, "leave me alone." I shoved Jensen away from me and they walked away silently, I took another breath but every time I breathed in it stung. I breathed out and only more sobs left me.

Was it wrong to not let them in?

Yeah, it really was. I had to go back in there anyway. Apologize and do what was needed, say my final goodbyes.

I walked inside and I was glared at by everyone in the room, not hatefully but much too sympathetically. I exhaled and sat in the front rows pews, looking at my hands the entire time. No one else's words were sliding into my ears until I heard the word 'husband' and someone tapped me to go up. I stood and looked at my feet, standing in front of everyone I knew and loved. Everyone who loved him and everyone he loved.

"There' just so much to say," I swallowed, "he would be there for literally anyone. He was very smart, a lot of fun, he was hilarious, he loved with all his heart. I loved him and there was never a day where I didn't fall even more in love with him, there was never a day without him where I didn't miss him. There will never be a day without him where I won't miss him, we'll all miss him and his laughter." I sucked my lower lip in and didn't dare to look behind me, I stepped down and sat back down.

"We're sorry," Jensen's voice said and I looked to see he was next to me. I was getting to the point where nothing around me seemed relevant so I was blocking it all out. 

"No I'm sorry for getting angry," I said, "you're all just trying to help. I just need... time."

...

"I know if you saw me you'd lecture me for wasting gas," I laughed and set a bouquet of fresh roses down. I picked up the dead ones and felt some of the 'dead flower slime' leak onto my fingers.

"You'd tell me to stop wasting money on 25 dollar bouquets every 2 weeks too," I smiled and felt tears starting to come from my eyes. 

"But I would live in the cemetery if I could," I rolled my eyes, "well uh- West had his 40th birthday and I don't think I'm ready for my 85th."