my cousin got married yesterday.
now I'm unbelievably happy for her, but also very heavy hearted.
I've been using this word a lot, unbelievably, as if someone wouldn't believe that I wouldn't be happy for such a joyous occasion. and I am, I really am.
I just have these thoughts of wanting to feel wanted.
of wanted to be on somebody's mind all the time. well for a healthy majority of their time.
I want someone I can rely on always.
someone who I can hug when I'm feeling anxious.
or hug after my anxiousness has made me have a meltdown.
I'm just so tired of waiting for someone I can cling to and not let go.
waiting for someone to choose me over anyone else.
as much as I want that companionship, I feel as if I'd be misleading him.
I don't know what goes on in my mind, how could I subject anyone to that.
not knowing how I'm going to feel at any moment of the day.
if I'm going to be happy or break down of exhaustion and sadness.
what I would give to be steady.
to not have a roller coaster of emotions.
I hope that day comes soon, because I am missing a happy life desperately.
