I Saw the Lights Go Out

Close to You, I Long for It

Warnings: heart melting material, seriously I gave myself heart burn while writing this. Good luck!

Dan searched for Phil after the meeting, but as he had no idea where he was going in this godforsaken place, it took him a good few hours to find Phil's room, and a further twenty minutes to actually find Phil, since he was not in his room, but on the roof - which just so happened to be accessed from the security ladder located just outside of the window in Phil's room.

Phil was sat on the dusty floor, staring out at the wasteland which used to be Great Britain. Pah. His short hair ruffled every time the weak wind blew, and Dan spent a further five minutes staring at the way Phil's thin hands would occasionally reach up to smooth his hair down, before ruffling it again and completely obliterating the point of smoothing it down in the first place.

"So you and Pj were close?" Dan finally said, breaking the silence. Phil jumped slightly at his voice, but he didn't turn around, so Dan took the opportunity to sit beside him in the centre of the dusty rooftop.

"Yeah," Phil said, fingering a hole on the knee of his jeans. "But Emma's right. Chris and Peej were always closer."

Dan and Phil sat in companionable silence for a while, neither of them spoke as they huddled together on the breezy rooftop, staring at the sandy wasteland surrounding them.

"I guess I've never really been close to anyone." Phil admitted after a while, his quiet voice breaking the silence around them, the whispery tendrils almost lost with the sound of the wind whistling around Dan's ears.

"Me neither." Dan said, leaning his shoulder against Phil's in a rare display of comfort. "There was never a chance where I came from. My own mother never even hugged me when I was young and scraped my knee." Dan took a deep breath, "all I had was my father shouting at me to 'Man up Daniel, one day you're going to die and you aren't gonna go out crying like a pussy!' "

Dan laughed bitterly at the memory. His too long hair falling in front of his face as the wind picked up.

"Your mum never even hugged you?"

"Nope."

"Have you ever been hugged?"

"Well yeah, Phil you saw my broth-"

"I mean properly. Has anyone ever held you in their arms, squeezed you with just the right pressure until you felt safe? Until you felt like nothing could hurt you because those arms around you were a force field. The worlds strongest force was on your side. Has anyone ever hugged you until you felt invincible, like you could live for infinity and a day? Have they?"

Dan faltered. He'd hugged Carrie on those nights she couldn't sleep, but she'd never hugged him back. Alex had hugged him when they reunited, but only for a moment. He'd hugged Louise when she got him a classic gameboy for his birthday, but it had been one armed and hadn't lasted for more than a second. He'd held people close as he shuffled them off the battlefield, their blood mingling with his sweat and staining his hands as he carried them. But he'd never been hugged. Never allowed anyone close enough for long enough, not that anyone had ever tried to hug him before.

"No." He whispered, and just like that, a pair of warm arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him in towards a warm chest, and Dan could hear a heartbeat. He could hear Phil's heart beating steadily against his rib cage, feel the rush of blood beneath Phil's skin, and the life Phil possessed. Dan had heard many heartbeats in his life, the dying heartbeats of his friends as he carried them off the field, the last stuttering beats of his enemies as he watched them die. But Phil's was alive. And Phil was hugging him.

Dan felt himself wrapping his arms around Phil in return and then they were falling, Phil's arms encasing Dan fully, one around his waist and one resting over his shoulder blades, his thin fingers tangled in the tips of Dan's overgrown hair. Dan's legs were entangled with Phil's as he lay on top of the impossible boy, his ear still pressed against Phil's chest as his chin rested against Dan's forehead. Dan's arms were starting to ache from where they were positioned, both above Dan's head around Phil's neck, his fingertips pressed to the gritty floor by Phil's head. Dan could feel Phil's soft hair on the tips of his fingers and marvelled at the fact that someone was hugging him.

Dan had never felt anything like it before.

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"So who's going then?" Phil asked, Dan could feel his cheek moving against his back where it was pressed. They'd moved from the hugging position a few minutes ago after almost an hour of just laying there. They knew someone would come looking for them soon, but neither of them could bring themselves to care.

Dan was sat between Phil's legs, Dan's hands encased in Phil's and his arms wrapped around Dan's body. Phil was resting his cheek against Dan's shoulder blades and with every breath Phil took, Dan could feel the air stir around him.

"Caspar is staying obviously to uphold connections, Tanya is coming along with Joe, Emma and, of course, Chris. Emma says that Joe can hack into the government mainframe and place a bug which can be accessed from here. Of course Queen Emma has to go because she's so fucking amazing, and Tanya is apparently our best fighter so she has to go. Alex wanted to go, but obviously he couldn't given the circumstances, Alfie is staying to help Caspar from here since they're the hacking experts and someone needs to actually connect the bug, and Jim is going to continue training the troops in Tanya's absence."

"Yeah I'd guessed it would be like that." Phil said forlornly. "They treat me like a child here."

Dan wished he could see Phil's face, or comfort him in some way. But he couldn't, and he didn't know how.

"But I'm not a child," Phil continued. "I've seen things they couldn't even imagine. Been through things they would'nt even dream of in their worst nightmares."

Dan unraveled Phil's arms from around himself and spun around so he was sitting cross legged in front of Phil, Phil, taking the hint, crossed his legs also, so that they were sat face to face with their knee's touching.

"I'm not weak, Dan." Phil said. "I know you think I am - I can see it in your eyes when you look at me."

"I don't-" But Dan couldn't finish that sentence, because Phil was right, and even though Dan was a trained liar, he couldn't lie to Phil. Phil smiled sadly and took one of Dan's hands in both his own. He raised Dan's hand until it was in front of his face, palm out. Phil traced the lines on Dan's hand, and Dan let him, Dan watched as Phil's fingers left trails of electricity on his palm, wrist, fingertips. His eyes moved to Phil's face, seeing the absent concentration there. Phil was impossible. He was staring so intently at Dan's hand, yet he stared at nothing. Phil tilted his head a little as he noticed Dan's staring, and their eyes met. Then suddenly, their lips were meeting too; Dan could feel himself leaning forwards, both hands on the dusty, gravelly floor to support him. One of Phil's hands had entangled itself in Dan's hair like earlier when they were hugging, the other behind him for support.

Their lips mingled and slid against each other, noses clashing awkwardly as they kissed. Dan felt nothing but a sweltering heat in his chest as he pulled away, his eyes fluttering open to see that Phil's were open and staring at him with curiosity and awe. Phil's hand dropped and Dan took a deep breath. Then he left, he calmly walked to the emergency ladder and walked away, refusing to acknowledge the burning in his chest, pushing the tingling feeling on his lips to the back of his mind and forcing himself to forget the trails of electricity he could still feel on his palm.

He should not have done that, but he couldn't force himself to regret it.