I Saw the Lights Go Out

Hold Your Breath

mentions of violence

Dan hadn't seen Phil in a few days. Although, he had made the lovely acquaintance of the charming Joseph Sugg and Alfie Deyes, aka Douchebag 1 and Douchebag 2. They'd apparently decided to guard Dan from inside his cell now, which - though he'd never admit it - put Dan on edge...well, more than he already was. Joe had stared Dan down the whole while he was stood there, while Alfie just chose to ignore him. He wasn't sure which he hated more, someone acting like he didn't exist or the other glaring at him non-stop. He'd tried breaking the silence by asking for some clothes but Joe only glared harder and Alfie went from staring at the wall to staring at the floor. In fact they didn't talk to him at all until Dan mentioned Zoe, which in retrospect was a giant mistake; the throbbing bruise over his eye and dull ache in his stomach only proved this statement. The conversation went a little like this:

Dan: So...I'm guessing you're Zoe's brother; you look kind of like her-

Joe: Shut your mouth.

Dan: She's much nicer than you though. Hotter too-

Joe: I'm warning you.

Dan: But she isn't really my type, if you catch my drift.

Alfie: Look, just keep your mouth shut, yeah?

Dan: But it's so booooooring! Seriously, you rebels really don't know how to throw a party! Zoe does, I remember this one which she threw - at my house might I add - to celebrate a successful mission, we were partners by the way, and-

SMACK!

Joe: Shut up you fucking dick! Just shut up! God, you're so annoying! She wasn't your partner, not willingly. Zoe hates you! We all hate you, you're nothing! N-nothing but a lowlife fucking douche. Fuck you. 

Alfie: Joe.

Dan: Well shit.

And then Joe proceeded to kick Dan in the stomach so hard he would've thrown up if he'd had anything in his poor stomach to throw up. They'd given him a shabby looking sandwich three days ago, but Dan had been unable to eat most of it, despite his raging hunger. Dan really should learn to not antagonize people, the only reason he was probably still conscious was because ever calm Alfie had dragged Joe out of the room kicking and screaming obscenities and threats at a still dry heaving Dan. Sometimes Dan really hated himself. 

Since that unfortunate encounter, nobody had entered his cell. However, he did have a new guard outside his cell. He guessed they'd replaced Joe due to his anger towards Dan, at least he wouldn't have to put up with the twat anymore. 

So far, Dan hadn't enjoyed prison life much. He found the constant position tiring, and was actually beginning to think that he'd never walk again once he was free - if he became free. It was all very tedious really, but Dan had accepted the fact that he'd probably never see the outside of this metal shell of a room again. None of the people he'd taken captive ever had, unless they were mind controlled, but only really a few had been chosen for such a process. Mind control was really quite a complicated thing, first you had to administer a drug which would cause temporary but complete amnesia, then you'd have to show them repetitive 'memories' which their broken mind would harness as their own, and finally you had to apply a tracking collar which tracked their whereabouts, if they went out of the neutral zone without permission, the collar would sedate them and inform the nearest security team to collect them for rehabilitation. Dan had seen it happen to PJ one or two times in the year he'd been with them, of course PJ had thought it longer than that. 

Dan remembered his first mission with PJ; they'd been deployed to the outskirts to track down a Rebel group that had been causing trouble with the few locals that lived there, unfortunately, they had completely misunderstood the situation and it had turned into a bloody firefight quicker than anyone could really process. Dan had found himself without a gun in the confusion, and would probably be dead if PJ hadn't quite literally swooped in and saved the day. No really, he used a sort of grappling hook to swing over the heads of everybody to Dan and performed some insane stunt which resulted in three dead rebels and Dan with a gun. It was needless to say that they'd won. Dan also remembered his first mission with Zoe, Zoe had been with them for some months before her first mission with Dan, Dan only really knew her from when he captured her, and he'd seen her around with Louise. They'd been told that they were to infiltrate a supposed Rebel base working withing the confines of the city against the Government. They were to collect sufficient evidence of the supposed Rebel base and report it back to his father so that they could be trialed for treason. Dan was more on the technical side for this mission while Zoe did the infiltrating, but that was only because Dan's face was easily recognisable from the many public displays he had to partake in with his father, really the only reason he could deal with those was because Louise was with him - anyway, Zoe had posed as a Rebel as Dan pretended to arrest her, the Rebels working in the base 'rescued' Zoe, and voila, they had gained access to the base. It was probably the smoothest Cove Ops mission Dan had ever had to do, thanks to Zoe's amazing ability as a spy. 

Dan missed his friends. He missed Louise's awkward smile during public speeches their fathers insisted on having, he missed chatting to her all night about how ridiculous their fathers were and how they wished the rebels would just give up. He missed eating breakfast with Carrie, his adoptive little sister. She had joined the family shortly after Alex had died, Dan wasn't too happy with it at first because he felt that his parents were trying to replace Alex, also, Carrie was the daughter of one of the men who had helped in Alex's death. In fact, Dan hated Carrie at first, but it was hard to hate Carrie; she was so innocent and sweet. Phil reminded him of her a little bit, but with less wild hair and more dick. 

A wave of emotions washed over Dan as he thought of his family back home. He was probably never going to see them again. Dan was surprised to find tears were slowly falling down his face, he was appalled; Dan Howell did not cry. And yet, he couldn't help but let out a guttural sob which ripped through him like a knife, and suddenly he was crying. Each breath was painful in his dry throat, and the spasms rocking through his fatigued body hurt so much it only egged on the crying. Dan wished he could cover his face, he did not want anyone to witness him crying, even if there was nobody there. Dan wished with all his heart that he could see little Carrie one more time, he longed for the knowing looks he and Louise sent each other in boring conferences they were forced to attend, he missed the scathing looks his father would send him when he accidentally laughed. He missed his his days in the firing range with PJ, testing out one of his prototypes. He missed telling Zoe jokes through the comms unit on their undercover missions, and her tinkering laugh in his ear, static-y with bad reception. Dan held his breath to try and halt his sobbing, but it was useless. He couldn't stop the oncoming tide, no matter how many dams he tried to build.

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