fade to gray (frank ocean)

start.

       the open window brought in a breeze that delivered goosebumps to my naked body. i guess it didn't help that my bathwater had long grew cold, either, but i ignored it all while staring out of the window. i could not miss my chance of seeing this sunset... i couldn't...

      the cold water failed its ulterior task of keeping me awake, i realized after lifting my eyelids after awhile. fuck, no...i had promised myself five minutes, since that would give me extra time to watch the sun return home after a long day's work of keeping earth's children warm and happy and give me time to think, too. but no. i had to go and fuck it up for myself, just like always.

       "fuck, fuck, fuck!" i wailed, hitting my head against the faded blue tiles that made up the wall. what were once funky teal tiles had slipped into a sort of periwinkle after years of the sun's kisses, and now they were splattered with some of my red essence. i couldn't control how i dealt with my anger; coping was sooo not my strong suit.

       over and over i hit my head, until my body felt oddly warm again, and i started hearing Him again. and just like if he were here with me, my heart started thumping, awakening me with that kick only your soulmate could bring.

       "yo, anise, you see this shit?" He asked, as if He'd never even seen a sunset before. His right hand was intertwined with my left, and He pointed at the deepening sky with His beautifully, immaculately sculpted left index finger. i swear, only god could've made a hand so beautiful. and he couldn't have created a more pretty view - sunsets in the country were breathtaking.

       "nah, not at all." i spoke sarcastically. "of course i see it, silly. i'm looking at it myself!" involuntary giggles escaped my lips and danced their way to the clouds. i watched them turn into cartoon birdies, like off of snow white, then i felt a pang when they flew away.

       He faced me, not seeing the same thing I was, so He was looking at me kinda crazy even though we were both high out of our minds. "quit acting smart, neicey. but you see how fuckin' red the sky is?"

       "yes." the sky was, at that moment actually mirroring His own bloodshot eyes, but with its own twist of a little orange and yellow. His eyes would return to their usual inviting brown in less than an hour or so when the high wore off.

       "like, bruh, sunsets are smeared angel souls. i never even thought about it till now, but it makes a lot of sense..." He rubbed at His peach fuzz, something He always did when He was thinking.

       "uh huh." see, He liked to turn into socrates after a few hits, after a few sips, after a pill or two. His theories either made so much sense that they made none at all or vice versa that it usually hurt my head to try and process if what He was saying rang true. so for now, i'd entertain Him by listening, i guess.

       "see, you not listenin', baby! if you think about it, it actually makes sense! the color of the sunsets is the color of they souls, they causes of death and whatnot."

       "if so, explain this one." challenging His theories was fun; i used to be His biggest critic, since at one point, my opinion was the only one that mattered. but He could always sway me with a kiss here, or copping a feel when i presented my counterclaim. i was putty in them strong hands, and boy, did He know that.

       "damn, how i know you'd say that?" his laugh rang out from where we were seated on our splintery back porch, and into the field we faced. "huh. pink was for everyone who died peacefully, and blue for those who weren't bad but weren't good, either. and red? them niggas died fighting for something. hmm....orange, orange, orange..."

"didn't think that far ahead, did you?" i teased after biting my lip.

       "nope!" He hoisted me from my old plastic chair into his lap. "how do you explain orange? you can't. maybe orange souls were souls like ours."

"like ours, huh?"

       "yes. ion feel like trying to explain it no more, so let's just shut the fuck up and just look at it. just watch sunsets for me, and i promise you, i'll get back to it."

       he never did get back to it. so now i look for meanings in orange sunsets through this view of the projects myself, but it always comes back to Him.

Him.

       i hate how much they remind me of Him, i hate it so much. and i swear, these orange ribbons rippling through the night sky taunt me, singing a name i haven't uttered in so long but always rings in my head...