fade to gray (frank ocean)

pink matter.

a.n. -keep in mind that this is still december 8th.

lonny.

"nawlins!" 

       "figg, what the fuck?" i yelled, already piecing two and two together. i remember how last night, blaze had come back, talking about how some man had approached her, talking about how he'd take care of her after i left, or some shit like that. and before that, he'd outright complimented blaze, but that was before he knew she was mine.

"what i do?"

"you took blaze, didn't you?" 

"oh, yeah. i meant what i said earlier. no disrespect, but you got a nice one."

"let me go!" she screamed in the background. 

"in fact, from what i hear, you got two nice ones. you got blaze and you got you some skinny girl in st. louis!" he chuckled. "you emotionally involved with both. my nigga, why you being so greedy?"

       i was lowkey pissed that everybody and they mama knew my business, maybe they knew even more than i did. i thumped the shit out of my steering wheel. "i'm not! i'm done with ole girl over in the country. done, finito, finished!"

"make me believe that, and i'll let blaze go." he said seriously. "oh, and you on speaker too, so choose your words wisely, nigga!" he laughed.

i weighed my options carefully. really, it shouldn't have been something i had to think about, but i had to align my heart and mind to decide. when the realization hit me, i sighed. "i can't." 

"lonny!" blaze cried. 

"i'm sorry, jonquinette." i spoke softly, then stopped the car. i rested my head on the steering wheel, shaking my head. "i really am."

       "i bet you are." figg replied for her, over her soft sobs. i felt like shit. this situation was a prime example of the phrase 'damned if you do, damned if you don't.' "so, what you waiting for? go get your jawn back in st. louis. i'll take care of blaze."

"like hell, you will!" she screamed feircely in the background, eliciting a laugh from him. 

"...goodbye, jonquinette." i hung up then, and busted a u-turn back in the direction of where i'd been staying these few months after i'd left anise. when i arrived, i tossed a few days worth of clothes in a grocery bag, threw some money in my wallet, grabbed some snacks then headed back out. 

       for now, it was 'bye' to vegas, and i hoped it was a permanent goodbye to life without anise. how had i have lived without her for so long? i remember when we lived together, i missed her every time she'd even turn her back to me. it still killed me, even to this day, that i was gone for that long, and i allowed it to happen. imagine how she feels, wherever she is.

       i had no idea how i'd find her. i'm pretty sure asking people on the street, 'have you seen her?' while holding up a picture with both of us smiling would earn me some weird stares. hell, i'd do it too. and if it was someone as pretty as anise, i'd be sure to look out for her to keep her to my damn self when i found her. but i knew i had to find her.

i knew i would. or die trying.

xxx

anise- prelude to a serious lapse in judgement (due to desperation)

       "i think i deserve a trip to paradise," i mused aloud. "i mean, i can't afford a vacation, but that ain't stopping me from going there." i paced the perimeter of my cold bedroom. "living like this, who wouldn't want to get away?"