fade to gray (frank ocean)

fertilizer.

      the rumbling in my stomach didn't allow me to sleep much. neither did second-long visits from Him. He was there every time i closed my eyes, shaming me. making me conscious of my weakness with and without Him. and just like all those months ago in louisiana, i was forced into an ultimatum. this time, i chose between resting my burning eyes and risk seeing him, or keeping them open and crying. the latter seemed more appealing, but my body gave into the former and i drifted back to sleep.

       "wake up. we gone talk about this shit right now." He demanded, poking me everywhere to wake me up. He even pulled off my headscarf, ruffling the hair that took an hour to tease into place, but i was too pissed and too tired to care.

       "fuck all that, lonny. leave me the fuck alone and let me sleep." last night, we argued over lord knows what (drugs done fried my brain past remembering), and i revoked His bed privileges, making Him sleep on the dingy couch. this motherfucker had some nerve, coming in here after i specifically told Him He wasn't welcome here.

"no."

       "go away!" i cried, throwing one of the many pillows scattered on the bed at His head, then covering my head with another. if i even looked at Him, i knew i'd break down - either by letting Him crawl back into bed with me, or i'd break down in tears. despite being buried in a haze of marijuana left over from last night, i wasn't numb enough to not feel emotions.

       "baby, please. we can't move on until we talk about it and talk through it. and i ain't happy with what's going on." funny how we sorta reversed the roles. in any other love story, wouldn't it be the woman, or more feminine of the two, begging to talk about their relationship and the more masculine doesn't feel like it? we were quite the unusual relationship.

       "s'not my problem. if i recall correctly, it was you who started it, and it's because of you that we even in this mess!"

silence on His end.

"exactly! so get out of my room. you not welcome."

       "oh, okay. alright," He chuckled. "but if i recall correctly, this is my room. i paid for it, not you. if i ain't pay for it, you know your ass would still be in your parents' house, snorting coke off of the roof of a jag and with a bendy straw."

       silence on my end. i had to pull my thoughts through the haze in my head and decide if i was gonna cry, ignore him or cuss him out for ruining my life while he made it better at the same damned time.

       "so what's it gonna be, hmm? you gone stay mad, or can we talk?" i couldn't answer since i unsuccessfully tried to hold myself together, but i was sniffling and shedding tears with my head still underneath the pillow. "hey, now. don't be crying." He pulled me from under the covers and onto his lap.

"i can't help it." a damn shame, a grown woman crying like a little baby. "too much bullshit, lonny. too much."

       "wipe it on my shirt." He whispered, in reference to my tears and snot, then laughed when i went for his shoulder. "no, not there. on my sleeve."

i did. "it's...it's just too much sometimes with us. the bullshit."

"think of it as fertilizer. flowers need bullshit to grow and so do we."

"damn. that's true." i didn't stop Him from laying us back down, me on His chest.

       "fertilizer, i'll take bullshit if that's all you gottttt." He sang, making me smile. His voice sounded rich to me, so you could tell He used to sing in church, but something sad had been engraved in both His life and His voice. what it was, He never got in depth with it, but I know it had to do with unrequited love in His past. i never pushed it.

       the little ditty he sang rang in my head until i could barely hear myself think. "oh my god, shut up!" i hissed. "jesus, get outta my head and leave me alone!"

       i decided food would do me good, since cooking would take my mind off of him for awhile. or maybe not. i needed to feed myself, regardless.

       while totally ignoring the contents of The Cereal Box, i made myself some noodles and munched on an apple i bought last night. ahh, food. my clock read 11:34 AM, and i had no plans for the day. i had no friends to call up, no family that i knew of. and y'all know contacting Him was out of the question - we'd both changed numbers, and from my understanding, addresses.

       i had no sense of time except for when i had to go to work. other than that, the days were a lonely blur with doing the necessary. thank god or whoever was up there that it was winter, and the sunlight was a little dimmer. most days were gray, matching my state of mind. but shit, what day was it?

       i went to my room, opened up my little flip phone, and looked at the date on the banner - december sixth.

"the sixth?" i whispered, closing it slowly. the sixth.