Severed [GB + SB]

Five: Russian...

THURSDAY Evening

Luke stepped away, and I felt his loss, but then Kota was there and he was all I could see. After days of searching for him, longing for him, haunting the house like a ghost staring out my window towards his own, I couldn't decide if I felt happiness, relief, or anger. Of all of them, he should have been the easiest for me to find, but he'd been elusive and absent, and I may have let my frustration seep out because he hugged me, and kissed me on the forehead, then stepped back with a troubled expression.

Nate hugged me next, and it was awkward, and maybe that just set the tone for the rest because Marc only touched my hand, and Brandon nodded at me but kept his distance. I tried my hardest not to betray how much that hurt, how it made me think things like second thoughts and come to their senses. I had to remind myself that no one is forcing anyone to do anything, and it is always about choice. And the freedom to choose means the freedom to change your mind. Just look at Victor — he seemed perfectly calm and not at all concerned that I might know about his girlfriend. Why should he? No promises were made, right? We hadn't even kissed.

Victor hugged me and I kept it brief. I was keeping a smile on my face but I knew it was strained. Silas was having none of that, he enfolded me into his arms and I swear I was partially absorbed into him. I ended up with my legs wrapped around his waist and my face buried his neck, breathing in his ocean scent, and I knew everything would be okay. We all had to choose our own paths in life and I felt connected to every one of them on some level — and if they didn't feel the same they wouldn't be here — and I truly felt that given some time and opportunity together, I could have strong, beautiful relationships with all of them. And every time I had a moment with Silas, I walked away reassured that he felt the same. It was like every time we came together, we were renewing a promise that next time, next time would be the chance to kickstart this inevitable thing we had between us. Like every hug was a promise about the amazing relationship we were going to have. I don't know, maybe that made my expectations different with him, that it was more forgivable that I seemed to fall off his radar because I didn't feel angry with him, I just felt grateful to see him again, to have the comfort he always brought me. I think I would have felt exactly the same with Nate or Marc or Brandon, but they seemed to be distancing themselves from me, and that made me defensive.

I wasn't feeling quite so forgiving about Axel. Maybe it was unfair that the bar was higher for those I'd kissed, but it was. The kissing meant something. It meant something to me. It was a bond. And Axel seemed to be avoiding me, but then again, he seemed to be avoiding everyone. He and Raven and Corey stayed in another room, talking quietly with Owen who had redressed himself in dress slacks, button up shirt, tie, and polished leather shoes. I rolled my eyes when I saw him, but understood he would never be comfortable without his armor on. I put on shoes, myself, unwilling to walk around in slippers shaped like friendly great white sharks — bad enough I was still in rather short shorts and a thin t-shirt while everyone else was fully dressed. I debated going upstairs to change completely, but North wouldn't even let me leave the table until I'd eaten a bowl of soup and a couple slices of dry toast, let alone the room. And as soon as I was finished, we were reconvening to the carriage house.

Luke piggy-backed me between the houses — for no compelling reason other than me getting to drape myself on his finely muscled back and him getting to run his hands all over my legs. Win-win, I say. The rest of the group had already gathered before we made it through the door, despite leaving first: pony rides apparently require demonstrations of trotting, cantering, and galloping around the relatively small backyard, and I was not about to argue. When we finally made it in, my shrieks of laughter petered off at the way the men had arranged themselves in the space.