I'd Die For You

5//Mother

Julia approached me as usual. her smile shone despite how dark it was getting. I liked her, but I never wanted to fall for her. I never wanted to fall for anybody. they just end up hurting me instead. so, when her gaze met with mine, I broke it right away and looked at my untied, dirty shoes.

"you were having another match?" she asked and I nodded with a hum, still looking down.

"who were you with?"

"Myself."

"o-oh..." she breathed. the atmosphere changed and I felt like just getting up and going inside the house. the door was right next to me, but she had to butt in somehow and stop me.

she sat right next to me and folded her dress so it covers her lower half properly. her pigtails made her look too innocent for an eighteen-year-old girl. my eyes met with her orange dress and I immediately fluttered.

"w-what.. do you want?" I asked in frustration as the heat covered my cheeks. I wanted a huge piece of ice to cover my face right now!

"Joseph, do you wanna go out with me?" my eyes widened in a shock. what was she planning? oh God, my heart is beating in an uncontrollable rhythm!!

I didn't answer her. instead, I gave her the cold shoulder and said "whatever" and got up. as I opened the door to our house, she stood behind me and held the hem of my shirt. what now?

"Joseph, I don't get it. a week ago, you were so nice to me. I thought you were different and not like what other people said. why are you acting like this now?" I took a long breath and closed my eyes. as I let the breath go, I turned around to face her dead in the eye.

"Julia, for the love of God, leave me be." I regretted it, I deeply did, but I had to let her go. I didn't want to hurt her like I did with the others. I didn't want to show her 'this' me.

"you'll hate me forever. so, please, just don't try to start anything." I begged once more. I tried so hard to avoid relationships because I knew how deeply it will affect me and them. no one stays the same. nothing stays the same. everyone is always hiding a beast inside them, and they all let it out on me; until I became one myself. so I don't want to let it out on her, too. I don't want her to become a beast, lavishing on people's feelings and mentality with no mercy.

"what do you mean by that? tell me!" I could feel the pain she held through her voice. the slight crack she had as she yelled at me. the glittering tears in her eyes. I could feel them. I could feel the sorrow that hid beneath her.

I shook my head and look down. I don't wanna do something to her that I will regret, but I lost the meaning of rationality. I don't know how to control myself anymore. I tried so hard to hold myself, but it was too late. I yelled at her and told her things that only made things worse.

"just leave me be! don't you get it? I don't wanna be friends with you or anyone!" I was angry. the feeling that pumped through me. the thrilling sensation rushed in my blood, and I suddenly felt like shouting even louder.

"I HATE YOU. HATE, HATE, HATE!! GET AWAY! JUST GO!" I almost pushed her away, but, thankfully, I only held her shoulders tightly and didn't proceed with what I was about to do next. I felt like a madman coming to life. it all excited me too much that I began shaking and jumping as I spouted at her words that I never intended to say. 

she was starstruck. her lips quivered. oh, her tears were unstoppable now. mother heard me and ran towards the door where I was standing. I felt like hell decided to take me in by then.

"JOSEPH!!" my mom yelled and pulled my hands away from her. I almost tore her dress from how strong I was grabbing into it. she let out a yelp and rubbed her shoulders. I'm sorry, Julia.