Almost.

Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten

 

My years of coping were ceased to exist. I was merely a young, stupid, extremely oblivious girl that didn’t know what life truly meant. I had always wished a part of me would suddenly come alive and that light I was trying so hard to hold on to would somehow create a new person, would take me from the darkness and I could go back to regular, old, fresh Malina. Not the monster I saw when I glanced into the mirror. I hated the way I looked nowadays.  I hated the way my eyes looked so vulnerable and my body looked so weakened. I was falling apart right before my very eyes.

Everything inside of me was nearly fallen to little pieces upon my floor, lying at my feet, scratching me and making me bleed. I was falling, falling down the road of destruction and I couldn’t find a way out. I couldn’t see past the darkness that clouded over the light. I couldn’t find the light when all my vision could grasp was a fog of darkness, a cloud of dust that buried the light beneath it.

I had entered a world filled with shadows and I knew it was the last time I’d see the light but still, I gave in. My vulnerability got the best of me when the dark hand reached out towards my fallen, broken frame and grasp onto me like some kind of savior. I felt as if my breathing was slowly the longer the days went by, the longer the sun stayed above the horizon, the longer everything seemed so complicated.

I’ve searched and dug and resurfaced from the depths of the water clogging my mind yet I still never found the answer to my sanity. I needed out of this darkened world. I had been holding onto small bits of people that I never knew. I was holding onto Conley, like he was some kind of liberator. It was like he was the master to all the things that captivated my mind. He was controlling them, he was oozing into my bones, creating some kind of monster.

I felt as if I was screaming, clawing at the last bit of sanity that was leaked inside of me. It felt like an avalanche of feelings never had subsided like the pain I once felt drained from my body. I could feel it brewing, I could feel it surviving through all the lacking of emotions I had felt it. It was always there though, watching for the perfect moment to swat at me so I’d lose my balance and show my exterior.

I hated feeling defeat. I hated how much power the other person had felt when the notice of defeat was obvious inside my eyes. I hated showing how much I hated it all. I wanted to live like a normal teenager, one that doesn’t kiss a boy they had just met, one that doesn’t see the bad in her while everyone else saw the good. I was tired, exhausted even, it was never enough. I was never enough. I tried holding on, I tried to look at things in a different view, in a way that everyone else could see it.

But I had failed. I was falling, falling endlessly, desperately in love with the darkness and no one could save me.

It had been a day since Conley’s words on the bus. He never removed himself from the seat and our bus driver never seemed to mind. The words he had said to her must have been good because she only merely glanced back once and smiled as she did so. Conley’s words, the way he pronounced them like everything in the world wouldn’t be the same if they got the chance to hear his words. I could feel my insides burning when he spoke. The first I heard his voice, it felt like an angel was singing them softly in my ears, now, listening to his words while looking at him, it was as if an angel was whispering them but a demon had enforced them.

Conley was an angel with his words and a demon with his mind. He stayed in the seat, his thigh was grazing against my own but I never found my voice to ask him to move over. I hadn’t answered him, I was in a mood, in a vibe that I couldn’t sneak my way out of. Tristan was on my mind then.

It was a neverending circle. First, it was Conley’s harsh and deserving words then, Tristan had suddenly appeared from nowhere with a suicidal note and a gunshot to his temple, finally, Conley came back and it felt as if I had been rescued from the deep depths of hell.