Almost.

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

 

“Calm down.” Savannah soothes in my ear as she held me to her. We were on the kitchen floor, I was having a breakdown, mentally, physically and emotionally. My head was on her chest, listening to the rhythm of her chest as her heart jabs. She had found me on the ground, clutching onto the suicide note that Tristan had left and in the other hand was a long, sharp, pointed knife. She was cautious at first, her voice barely audible to my ears. I could hear the hammering of my heart, the fast paced breathing of my chest, the sobs that were choked inside my throat.

Savannah had easily slid the knife from beneath my fingertips and when she did, I let out a jagged, wet cry and fell into her arms. She dropped the silver utensil onto the table before falling to her knees and holding me close to her, whispering slow, calming words into my ear for the past fifteen minutes. I could hardly feel my body, the rough sobs that came from my mouth didn’t sound like my voice. I sounded so strained, so unable to do anything, so broken. So completely and utterly broken.

I had wanted to see if Tristan felt the same way before he had locked himself in a world of angels and he could finally see the light. I was aching, yearning for the light to suck me back into reality but the more I thought of it, I couldn’t move a muscle towards the small beam. It was almost as if I was useless. But I knew I was. I was worthless, useless. It would never surprise me if my parents never shed so much as a trace of a tear at my funeral.

I wanted to die. I did. At that moment, I was so sure, so sure that I would place that slick knife to the thin sheet of skin that lies upon my neck and slowly drag it across. I was nearly positive that Savannah would be walking into my house seeing me lying, back down on the flooring of the kitchen with blood pouring from my throat and the knife that I had used for destruction laced between my fingertips.

“No.” I cried, my voice escalating the more I thrashed in her arms, the more I felt myself aching to reach out and become what Tristan had. Tristan was an angel in disguise. I was merely the demon that shedded everyone of their mask, including my own. “It’s so unreal.”

Savannah signed, a breath of air casting over my chilled face. I felt her body tense as she cradled me closed. “I know. I know. But,” She sniffed and I knew then that she had been breaking down with me as I had thrown myself around, trying to grab at the knife, she was suffering too. “we have each other. O.K. Lina we have each other. I won’t ever leave you.”

The worst part was that I couldn’t say it back because I knew that it may not have been today but it would be someday that I would no longer be here, living on this earth, in this world of sick twisted manipulating bastards. I couldn’t say it back, I couldn’t say a promise I knew I would never be able to keep.

“O.K.” I sighed, trying to regain any strength I once had. I was weak and naive and vulnerable. I couldn’t stand myself, I couldn’t even be left alone in my own household because it was too tempting to take my life. “Savannah?” I called out.

She leaned back, pushing me forward so her eyes captured mine and I could see the glistening of tears that were leaking from the edges of her eyes. Tears stained her flushed cheeks and her lips looked chapped. I was broken, heart broken for making my best friend go through hell for me when I could never do that for her.

“Yes.”

“Tristans dead.”

“I know. I know.” She cried silently when she thought I wasn’t looking. I felt her arms tense around me frame, I hugged her back. “We won’t ever get him back again.”

“His funeral is Thursday.”

I felt her head bob and her hand landed upon my pale arms. She was holding me tightly, like I was the cure to everything but if she only knew that I was the disease, the infected. I was the cause not the cure. I felt my chest rake with sobs and eyes closed as my body shook. I could hear the silent pleas Savannah was struggling to let loose as she held onto me.