Almost.

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen

It was getting harder to breathe. I knew it, I could feel my chest constricting. It felt like someone was pushing at my chest, clawing at my skin until finally they ripped my heart from me and I was no longer breathing. The worst but is that I wouldn’t be upset or guilty that I died the way I did, I’d be glad. Glad to be forced out of this world, glad to not have a care about anyones feelings, that’s what’s stopped me before. My eyes were sealed shut and I could hardly move, I knew I was hooked up to some sort of machine as the beeping never ceased and my mother’s bawling never halted. I could feel her hand clutching onto mine, trying to hold on to the little bit of life that was stuck inside of me but I needed that release. I needed her to admit to me that it was O.K to leave, that it was alright to end it but she never did and I so desperately needed it.

The darkness swallowed me whole and I was trapped, quietly suffering while I smiled at my peers. I was suffocating in a room of people but I showed no sign of needing help. I was quiet, too quiet for my own good but I liked it like that. I liked being silent and not having anything brought upon me, I liked the feeling of not knowing,of not caring but when Conley got involved, the feelings I was trying so hard to keep hidden underneath my skin crawled to the surface and I couldn’t seem to bury a deep enough hole to get them to go away. My breathing unsteady and heavy and the longer I laid in the bed, listening but never revealing my eyes, the louder the constant beeping grew. I could hear shuffling of feet and mother’s hand clenched around mine tightly but I never made an effort to lace my fingers through hers to show that I was still with her, that I was still alive.

The events that played throughout the house earlier in the evening washed over and I was left gasping for water, trying to pull myself to surface when in reality, I was drowning myself. The doctors voice echoed throughout the confined room but still, I never revealed my eyes. As he spoke, I noticed the small encounters with Breton, Ansel was even here but I could tell that he was trying his hardest to not let Breton take a step closer towards me. For he was the cause, he was the fault to blame in the situation but all I kept thinking was that it was all placed in my hands. If Conley never chased after me I wouldn’t be back at the hospital with only an inch of life inside me. if I never walked away in the hallway, I wouldn’t be in this situation, I wouldn’t be struggling for my last breath even though I was clearly on the road of dying, I still wanted my last breath to be memorable for me.

At the last second, just when I heard the booming voice of Ansel vibrate the walls, I peeled my eyes open, my head throbbing as I did so and when I went to lift my arm, I had taken notice the heavy material wrapped tightly around it. My arm was in a cast and my head was reeling, my breathing became heavier and I felt like my chest was concaving in, like the world around me was slowly shrinking and I was the biggest person in the room. The light from the corner blared into my eyes the moment I revealed them and when I caught sight of Ansel’s worried eyes, I kept calm. His eyes were glossy and his fingertips were trembling as he grasped onto Breton, holding him close so he wouldn’t barge towards me and repeat the actions of the night before.

“Oh sweetie,” my mother’s soothing voice called out but I quickly recoiled from her touch when I was reminded that her fingers were laced with mine. I sat still, even with my hands shaking and my breathing heavy, I stayed impossibly still and didn’t divert my vision from Ansel once, for as of right now, he was the only person I could fully trust. “Are you feeling ill? We can call the doctor back in here. Ansel go-”

“No,” I croaked out, lifting my hand and placing it on the side of my aching head, I winced from the impact of my hand. “I’m fine,”

“That’s what Tristan used to say,” Breton hollered out, his body thrashing in Ansel hold. He wouldn’t keep still and I couldn’t bear to look at him, the memories came back and I could feel the water filling my lungs, drowning me until I could no longer breathe. “And guess where he’s at? Not here that sure as hell is the truth. What’s next Malina? Will you be writing your suicide letter to us, will you run away? Tell me! What the hell is next?”