Collider World | Peter's Log

2015 | Fiona Murphy

My name’s Fiona Murphy, I’m 32 years old and I was born and raised in Kildare County, Ireland. I was already 18 when I left my hometown for the first time and decided to move to Dublin to attend university. This doesn’t make me a great traveller, I guess. But I never really felt the need to go very far from home before. I loved my small town and I loved my family, a big noisy lively Irish family. Maybe that’s why I always dreamed about having children myself.

My decision to move to Dublin was not solely for education reasons, though. Yes, there was a guy. My boyfriend Derek was moving there as well. We had been together since high school, so the decision to follow him came up quite natural. We had been together for such a long time, that when he asked me to marry him, I was more relieved than surprised. Or moved. Somehow I had been expecting it since the beginning. I was 22 when I got pregnant and the decision to quit College to look after my family seemed to be the right thing to do. And I never regretted it.

Especially after my little Hanna was born. She was the most beautiful thing that had happened in my life. She was everything to me. I finally felt complete. Raising a child is not an easy task, especially when your husband travels a lot for work and you have to take care of everything alone. But there was no tiredness that a smile from my daughter couldn’t sooth. Hannah was a real blessing and after a few months I couldn’t even imagine my life without her.

Until that day came.

I remember it as if was yesterday. I remember everything. The snow. The traffic jam. The colorful lights. People rushing down the streets of Temple bar, completing their last Christmas purchases, carrying big bags filled with presents. The sweet smell of hot chocolate coming from the pubs. Hannah was dragging behind, holding my hand. Her bunny held tightly against her, as if to protect it from the cold. She was cold and tired from the long walk and moaned demanding some rest. I promised her we’d have a huge cup of hot chocolate to warm us up, but only after buying one last present for daddy. Hannah answered with an understanding nod that made her look older than her 5 years. I squeezed her in a hug and encouraged her to run together towards St. Stephen’s Green.

Her laughter still resonates in my ears. And clutches my stomach.

St. Stephen’s Green Shopping Center was packed with customers. We had little time, but I knew what I wanted to buy, and headed straight in the direction of a shop where I knew I would find some very nice silk ties for a decent prize. ‘Derek would be home in a couple of hours, and I still haven’t chosen a present for him’, I thought with a hint of guilty feeling, while my hand caressed a collection of colored ties hanging off an iron rail. I could hear Hanna playing with her bunny just a few steps behind me. ‘Was it also a tie that I gave him last Christmas?’ Suddenly I couldn’t remember when was the last time I bought a present for my husband and what it was. I decided that I didn’t have time to spend thinking of it now and I grabbed a blue tie with small red dots and a golden pin just at the bottom of it. ‘He will appreciate it,’ I thought. ‘He always does.’ Or pretends to.

The cashier folded it carefully and wrapped it in yellow paper. I slipped it in my bag and wore my gloves, ready to leave. When I turned around I realized Hannah was no longer there.

‘Hannah!’, I called, walking outside the shop, to check if she was anywhere around. She was not. Then I saw that her bunny was lying on the floor, just a few steps from the door… My heart skipped a beat.

I started looking frantically around, inside the other shops, in the aisles, in the toilets. I shouted her name once, twice, again and again, panting up and down the stairs, asking everybody if they had seen her. A small girl, five years old. A red jacket.  Yellow boots. How was it possible that nobody had seen her?