Lost & Insecure

Thirty-Three - When I'm With You

Dana Thomas died in my arms.

That's pretty much the only thought that ran through my head after it happened. She was here, we were happy, and everything was perfect. And then she was gone. Just gone. It's not fair. None of it was fair.

I heard her heart stop, and felt her last breath escape her lips. I've heard people describe the moment after death as flying. People feel like they're flying over the world as the paramedics rush to their bodies. I've heard stories and seen movies of people having out of body experiences those brief moments between death and being brought back. 

I wonder if that's where Dana went. In the time between her heart stopping and the paramedics getting it to start again, I wonder if she was standing beside me yelling at me to see her. Maybe it wasn't like that at all. Maybe it was just darkness. Or maybe she was dreaming.

I didn't leave her bedside since they allowed me to see her. My hand was stiff and cramped from staying in the same position for hours as I refused to let go of Dana. I know my hair was disheveled and I was generally a mess, but I didn't think twice about it at the time. I still remember the sounds of the heart rate monitor as it lulled me to sleep most nights.

I remember being in a weird state of being half asleep and partially dreaming when I felt a light pressure on my hand. I didn't stir at first, still believing I was dreaming, and only reacted by instinctively holding on tighter. It wasn't until I felt Dana's fingers twitch a second time that I began to stir slowly awake and then jolted my head up and my gaze at Dana in front of me.

Tears immediately began to stream down my face the moment Dana's hazel eyes connected with mine. "Dana?" I mustered out her name in a whisper filled with disbelief. I leaned into hug her and she attempted to reciprocate, but only managed to grunt out in pain. I immediately apologized and sat back in my seat beside her bed. I kissed her hand and arm lightly, overwhelmed with relief. 

I paused and rested my head beside her and said through my tears, "I thought I lost you." I sniffled and raised my disheveled head and stared at her for a brief moment as her body finally allowed her voice to escape.

"I'm sorry." Dana's words were full of weakness and I chuckled at her. "Wait..." She mumbled, her eyes glancing to the diamond ring on my left hand. "Does that mean you said yes?"

I glanced at the ring then back at her and nodded my head vigorously as I began to cry again. "Yes." I stood and gently leaned into kiss her. The moment I thought would be the end of our story was just the beginning.

She took awhile to recover from the gunshot and had to go to physical therapy a couple times a week to regain full mobility of her arm. She told me dying isn't what scared her. The thought of death never terrified her or made her feel helpless. The thought of dying was always a reassurance to her that she had to make every second count and live in the moment, but when she was dying that night she was going to propose to me, she realized that death finally scared her. The reason it never scared her before then is because even though she was always surrounded by people who cared about her and loved her, she was still alone. She only worried about herself and if her life were to suddenly end then that would be it and she would hope she had made the most of her time on Earth.

It was that moment when she saw the look on my face as I held her in my arms that the thought of death suddenly terrified her. Dana couldn't imagine having to live a life where she didn't get to love me every second of it. She believed I didn't deserve to have to live a life without her by my side either.

We didn't have a big fancy wedding where all of our friends and family attended. We went to the courthouse to make it official and informed everyone in our lives that we were officially happily married. I was already talking about kids, but she was hoping she could convince me to wait a couple years. She told me she wanted to be selfish and spend a couple years with just me, making every single moment count.