BTS Family - Family matters, NamJin

30.

Jin's pov:

As I opened my door, I was greeted by Namjoon and his three sons. The boys immediately stormed inside, creeped out by the still lingering reporters at my front yard, and excited to meet my babies.

Namjoon and I just stared into each other's eyes. Speaking more, than words could tell. Even if we weren't able to talk a lot recently, because everything was eager to keep us busy, we developed something during that time.

We could read each other's emotions, just by looking at him. From time to time, I knew exactly, what was going on in his genius brain. An ability, that seemed insane, because Joonie tended to think a lot, deeply and complicated.

No wonder, this guy had an IQ of 148, it still shocked me from time to time. He could've become everything, but he decided to stick with music. The right decision, in my opinion. He was smart, yeah, but he was also very talented and it was his passion. Also, because of his stubbornness to make music, we were able to meet.

A fact, about what I was really thankful.

I threw myself in his arms, as soon as his kids escaped into my living room, where Jimin and Jungkook were playing with there tiny toy-kitchen. Well, more like throwing the plastic-ingredients around, but I didn't care, as long as they were happy and contented.

Joonie pressed me into his chest, and I melted into his warmth and the safety he provided me. It was like he caged me in his world, far away from the real one.

His world where only love and fun existed. Where everything was okay and everyone was happy.

I loved it. His scent smelt so calming, like home.

With Namjoon, I realized, that home wasn't a place but a person. I knew this quote for quite a time, and I always thought, I understood it completely, but that wasn't true.

I don't know what the relationship between me and my late-wife lacked, to develop such a feeling, or maybe, I had it but wasn't able to name it.

I still loved her. But she wasn't here anymore. Joonie was here. And I think, I was falling in love with him.

Funny, how my world was falling apart, and I was falling for him.

It seemed like, all I did was falling.

Maybe my world falls apart because I was falling for him? But the feeling of knowing, that he would run and catch me, was too beautiful, to care about the rest. It was wicked.

Namjoon bewitched me.

And despite that, I could build it up again, into a better version. I don't even know!

The fact was, that I was in this situation and I was terribly frightened. Frightened to leave the country, frightened to stay.

Frightened to lose everything and frightened to win something.

Frightened for my kids, for me, for Joonie and his children.

It was all too much and I was constantly swirling around in the hurricane, that was caused by my endless anxiety.

My mind was running in circles, thinking about Joonie and me, thinking about my deceased wife and me, thinking about if it was right to start something new, thinking about the problem with both of us being men. Thinking about my work, my house, my mother, who ignored all my desperate phone-calls and messages.

She ignored my existence, she ignored my happiness.

I was at the end, and the dead rat, that I found this morning in my post, was the top of the iceberg.