Journal.

7-15-14

I staying home from work. I just can't deal with anything anymore.

Josh was so mean to me yesterday. He said he loved me... That he cared... He LIED.

All I want is to be his friend!!

I talked to my aunt about josh. Why does everyone want me to let him go? Can't they see that I'm not ready! I will let go when IM ready. I've been crying all damn day over him and I will keep crying. I haven't even put on makeup cus I know I'll cry more. I don't want to cry,but at the same time I love crying. And at the same time I just want to cry it all out. It's good to cry... Right?

Why does he tear me apart? He got me caught in all this mess. He doesn't like me. He said he loved me. He said I was a part of him. Did he lie? I wasn't lying when I said that I love him. I love him so much... My heart breaks at the thought of him being with another girl. Am I crazy? Or is this more than a crush?

If I got one kiss from him, I would be happy for years. The worst thing that hurts is, I didn't get to say goodbye. I atleast need a moment to say goodbye. I can't just say," ok bye!!"

People say that to me all the time. Then they just stop talking to me. It hurts. Really.fucking.bad.

Tell me it's not over. I can change his mind somehow.

I give it all, I trip and fall, I trip and fall for you.

I'm having a pretty good time right now actually. YAY!

I'm on colorguard, so now I have to go to THAT! We r practicing the rifle.!!!🙉🙉🙉🙉

The sadness is back. I just don't want to go through another heartbreak. Today at the mailbox I saw my ex and when I did, I just wanted to be his again.

My dad is in the hospital with 2 kidney stones and my step mom keeps yelling at him when he is in A LOT of pain!! I f-ING HATE HER!!!

I'm deep in heartbreak. I don't know if I'll make It out alive.

Maybe if I tell myself enough that I can be happy, I will be happy. Right now I'm just laying in bed,in the dark, typing this. Crying. Listening to sad music. This is how I just want my life to stay. I like it like this. Very much.