βĨŦŦĨŇg ĆØŁØŘ

{Burn baby}

{TWO MONTHS LATER}

Mom got home from work and hung her jacket in the closet, which only reminded me of what happened in there just a few months ago. And whenever she asked me to run a trip for her to the store, my mind traveled back to the race I had with fear. And finally, I had enough when she told me I needed to go change.

Yes I know it wasn't the same as asking me if I wanted to change as a person but the word triggered something in me that wanted to get away from her. So I wheeled to the bathroom, shutting the door and locking it behind me.

For a few moments I didn't do anything, I simply sat with my head in my hands, just breathing. I think it was the most sane thing I've done all day. I sat like that for a good five minutes before I finally started to peel off my shirt. I tossed it on the floor completely missing the hamper and not caring. I did the same with my pants and shoes except that was a longer process.

Fully undressed, I locked my wheels and crawled out of my chair to the showering area. I sat on the cold tiles and turned on the warm water.

I hadn't realized I was cold but when the hot water hit me, I began to shake, wrapping my arms around myself. I continued to sit there, my legs uselessly sprawled out on the floor, leaning against the wall for support as the hot water poured over me. At that moment I think I was having shower thoughts. I began to imagine myself and what it would have been like if I hadn't been born disabled. I imagined playing ball with my dad outside or getting my hands a little dirty from helping my mom cook. But in all, I imagined what it would be like if my parents didn't drink and fight constantly. Sadly, all of this is just a day dream and things like that never happen to people like me.

~

By the time I got out and dressed dinner was ready. Though I'm not really sure I was yet.

I squeaked up to my chairless spot of the table as mama set out the food. But something was odd about how she was doing things.

She did things as if she where in slow motion and it confused me. And when she was finished and ready to sit, she hesitated but only for a moment.

Slowly she sat down but didn't make eye contact with me and that made me worry even more.

Quietly she served the food not looking at me once. And after everyone had food on their plate, she looked up and all I saw in her eyes was pain and regret. I would soon understand why.

She smiled slightly but I could tell it was forced, she began to sign.

"Victor, I need to tell you something important."

I nodded

"But I need for you to not get upset with me OK?"

Again she paused and this time I took a moment but I nodded again.

"we- we have decided to put you in home for the disabled"

Everything stopped then and all I could do is sit there and stare at my mother in shock and disbelief.

"No no but Victor you must understand that we are doing this for you hunny. We see how you always struggle to get around the house and do regular things. A-and we just want things to be easier for you."

I wasn't sure what to say or even what to do. I couldn't believe my parents would send me off like that because I had a little trouble getting around. I was afraid and worried. I didn't want to go to a strange place where I don't know anyone and more than anything I didn't want to be alone. My mind could do nothing else but scream the one thing I would regret for the rest of my life. The one thing that would break my world so simply. Just a few words that would destroy my last shred of humanity.

(I WANT TO CHANGE!!! I DON,T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS! I JUST WANNA BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE AND BE HAPPY!)

And just like that it happened.

No, I'm not talking about the world began to swirl and there was glitter sparkle. And OMG I can walk!!

No, it wasn't any of that, and I'm not even sure why I thought it would be.

Suddenly the door was busted in by an unknown person or object as the windows shattered. I quickly jumped down, out of my wheel chair and onto the floor for protection. Glass rained down over my head as I desperately tried to avoid one going into my back.

Small pieces cut into my hand but it was bareable. What wasn't was the sudden blood curdling scream coming from the other side of the room. Automatically I knew it was my mom and I tried getting up only to be slammed right back down on the ground. The force weighing me down was enough to break my already injured arm. So if it wasn't broken before, it was now.

I struggled to get free from the unknown force holding me but my attempt was useless.

On the other side of the room, the screaming continued. And yet the only thing I could do was scream back at it. The fear shot through me harder, then the adrenaline and even as adrenaline came, I could do nothing but squirm helplessly. Suddenly the realization that I was hearing again hit me and never in my life have I wanted to be deaf so badly. In that moment I wanted nothing more then to be the disabled loser I was if only it meant I didn't have to hear the suffering of my family. If only I hadn't been so selfish. Is being broken such a big problem?

Tears steamed down my face as sounds of things shattering filled the room along with the screaming. Eventually the screaming was stopped by a sudden thick snap.

My whole body went numb and my eyes filled up with tears. My mother was dead and I didn't have to see to know it...she was gone.

The room became silent as my ears once again became unhearing. I couldn't hear myself screaming but grief struck and air rushed from my lungs as all my hairs stood on end and my body felt chills. Though I couldn't hear it, I could feel the vibration of my own betrayal on the wooden floor.

They were screams of pure grief, fear, and hatred for what I had done. Fear of what would happen to me, grief of loosing my mom, and hatred at myself for being selfish.

Another wave of sickness hit me and I knew he was gone too.

My hearing came back and I could now hear myself scream.

"STOP THIS!! WHY!!! STOP!!!!!"

Again I attempted to lift myself off the ground and again I was forced back down.

I was crying uncontrollably and my nose was running but that didn't stop me from smelling the burning of my own home. Through the tears I could see a bright light that burnt. And hazily, I watched its oddly colorful flames consume the only place I've ever called home. And like that the world became black.