Dear Name

5: Dear Name

Dear Name,

Words cannot describe how much I miss you. With every passing day, this empty hole in my chest grows bigger and bigger, deeper and deeper. My yearning for your presence beside me is constantly growing. I miss everything about you— your wonderful smile, laughter, warmth, eyes, touch, voice— the list goes on. I swear my healing was quickened because of every moment you spent with me beside my bed. It's quite sad that I remember everything about you except your name. I just... can't bring myself to remember it. No matter how hard I try, it keeps slipping my mind, and it's always out of reach. It's frustrating how I can't refer to one of my most beloved people by their name, and how I can forget something so meaningful. Something so unique that belongs to you and only you. Something that you turn your head to whenever the word comes out of someone's mouth.

During that stroll under the cherry blossoms, I finally realized my feelings for you. However, I couldn't bring myself to tell you, because it wouldn't matter as you would be leaving me in a few hours anyway. Or rather, I shouldn't make excuses— because I was a coward. Because I thought you wouldn't reciprocate my feelings for you. And you wouldn't have, someone who can't drive properly and can't even remember your name. I always had to call you "noona" when calling you, but I wanted to call your actual name instead. And when you finally left my hospital room, I broke into tears moments afterwards. I asked myself, "How would I live without her?", and honestly, I really didn't. I felt so empty and lifeless, every single day was grey and dull. Everything was monotone and without color. I considered suicide, even, because I had no more will to live— I didn't confess to you when I could, all my feelings had to stay bottled up inside despite them growing with my longing for you, and that you would never return back to me now that you've moved all the way across the ocean. You fluttered away before I could even try to grasp you.

But my mother caught me before I could commit the act, and saved me. She rekindled that spark inside of me, that spark of hope that would you one day return to me. That I should be alive and well to see you in my arms once more. I couldn't imagine your pretty face despairing and crying over me, for my heart would surely break knowing that your pain would be because of me.

So I lived. I handed my mother the pills, and I am writing this instead, waiting for you to finally return to me.

Because I love you.

Yours Truly,
Jin.