Help me be happy again

Chapter 7

Okay my story so far was about my depression. I talked to Zoë last night and she....she just made me feel wanted. Cuz she's been suicidal. She's had depression and still gets it sometimes. So...she knows what I'm talking about.....

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I keep feeling sadder and sadder....I just....feel so worthless and self harming takes the pain away for a little while. Then it comes back and...I need to self harm again. I guess I have clinical depression. I just keep feeling sadder and sadder. And I can't take it anymore. Only one person knows about my clinical depression and self harming....that's Zoë.

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Today has been my full second day without self harming. So said shes super proud of me. And I am too. Today I didn't feel like cutting. Not once!!!! Yesterday...that was my first day. It was so long and I wanted to cut so much...I almost pulled my blade out 10 times. And I told Zoe that. But she said that I didn't.

I told her that I'm afraid that I'll take 1 step forwards and 5 steps backwards.

With clinical depression...if you have one day or a couple of days of happiness, you don't know if your just having a few good days, or if your getting better. I've had 2 good days. Zoe doesn't know it but I swore that I wouldn't cut. She just thinks that I swore to myself. But I swore to both of us.

And I don't wanna let her down. It'll break me. And if I do...she'll know how weak I am. I just can't...she'll lose hope in me. I want to at least go a month without self harming. I'm not saying go the month, and the cut again. I'm saying at least get a month and then see where I'm at.

------------6 days later-------------

Tomorrow will be a week I haven't self harmed! I can't wait to tell Zoë I'm sure she's forgotten...so it'll be a nice surprise.. And maybe she hasn't. Just..didn't wanna bring it up and I don't blame her for that.

I thought I had a stomach bug but noes it's Thursday and I've had it since Tuesday. Stomach bugs last 24-48 hours long...I don't know though.

A few days ago I think it was on Monday we got into a little fight..It broke me more then I think it broke her. I was telling her things about my depression that I had already told her but....she's like

"Savannah we have been over this MULTIPLE times"

Or

"Savannah we have had this conversation MULTIPLE times"

But sometimes....it's not that easy. Just because you tell me I'm loved and that you can't live without me and that I'm not worthless and stuff like that...it doesn't mean I'm gonna believe it right away...

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I'm so done with my best friend. I don't even want to be friends with her anymore. She tells me her life would be easier without me. She could live without me. That she was so done with me. What did I do wrong? I want to cut. It's been 16 days since I have. I need to cut. I've got too much pain. I can't do it anymore. But Zoe would be so disappointed in me...shed understand but...she probably would have thought I was stronger. She's said she's proud of me for not self harming...but I'm suicidal. She doesn't know...I want to be told

"Your suicidal and still here. I'm so proud of you."

But I'll never get told that.....

I pulled a prank on Paige once. (BFF)

And she went to school crying about it. I fed her a dog treat saying it was a cookie. Come on. Grow up it was a prank. And she said pay backs were hell. I know that but I wasn't scared. A few months later when I wasn't expecting it she had her friends tell me I was a dumb ass and to kill myself. I wanted to die. I still do...and Paige apologized a million times but...a "sorry" will not fix what she had her friends do. You don't tell anyone to kill themselves if your mad! If they do it it's considered murder.

I am so done with her....I have better friends then her. She makes me feel stupid and worthless. She says self harming and suicide is stupid. YOU DONT SAY THAT. Cause you don't know what they're feeling. And she's like "don't talk to me about this." But if I ever do kill myself....I'm gonna leave a note. And on it, it'll say "ask Paige if she's happy."

Guys, never tell anyone to kill themselves and never say suicide is stupid. Or self harming. Cuz you don't know what they're going through. Stay strong, liysm!