We aren't supposed to feel

Part four

I run my fingers down the wall as I sit down. I have down this before, gone out too long. I was supposed to come back an hour ago. And if you do end up staying out over the time, you can call a drone to charge you, but I couldn't do that. I can't risk the lives of those children. So I walked back, slowly. When I got to the large building and went inside my chambers, I fell. Crumbling to the floor. I search for the charging cord, my vision blacking out. If my system shuts down then it won't start back up, ever. I find the cord and plug it into the back of my head. My eyes close, and I drift into that nothingness that I call sleep. I think of those children once again. Suddenly an emotion bubbles up inside of me. Anger, full force untamed anger. With my eyes closed, I slam my hand against the wall as a realization slips into my mind. 

I have killed so many, and now I save three kids? Because I saw their love?

Why couldn't I have seen the destruction I was doing, the families I was tearing apart, the pain, the loss? 

I feel the wind against my face and the grass against my feet but I couldn't feel guilt, anger, and sadness?

I thought I was different from them but I am the same. I am hardwired to kill just like everyone else. 

No, I won't kill anymore. Not those children, not anyone. This thing, this system, find and kill, I won't be a part of it anymore. Because it's stupid, utterly stupid. They did nothing, nothing but live. We are just greedy, we want the world to ourselves.

 Stupid.

 And who can say, who can say that a little girl wasn't afraid of you? A little girl gave you a name, a purpose? No one! No one can say that! I hate it, this world we live in. We all have blood on our hands, and no one cares. Because no one can see it! They're blind because they can't feel. Well now, this small group of kids, this small hope, maybe they will help me wipe off the blood. 

                                                       - - - - -

I walk, but I only search for them. I look in that grocery store and the business building, nothing. I'm not sure why I even expected them to be there. So I go east, away from both buildings. I walk until the sun slips behind the mountains, and the moon rises. I have already called for a drone to give me a recharge. For some reason, I was surprised it didn't ask me why I needed one. But why would it? We never break the rules. I guess I'm an exception.

 I stop, scanning the area, then decide to go back. I walk and realize something, that boy was terrified of me, maybe they don't want to see me again. But then again, maybe they do want to see me, maybe they have been looking for me all day, just like I have been looking for them.

And these maybes are good enough for me. 

Author: So this is a big turning point for the character!! Yay!!! I'm really starting to like Hannah's character. 😄😄 I hope you are enjoying this story!!