GETTIN SIKKER - Lyrics & Meaning

FAIRYTALE

I tell you the beginning of the end tonight
As I watch the whole world
It fades, as I shut my eyes
Slowly I plunge deep in a brand new start

I wish I had never seen the void

How many more endless nights do I have to fill with dangerous dreams?
See, I tell stories of me a moon high above
I know I belong somewhere, I don't know, I don't know

Somewhere, I don't know, I don't know

I take the pain out of lying, a disaster
I don't know how to fight, how to fight myself
My one wish is to see your heart thriving
Fight myself, fight the urge, fight the urge

But I'm not there yet!

Who am I under these layers of pain
If I was young again, if only I was young again
But I, but I am truly, I am truly...

You know...

If I give up the moon and the stars, then at least I can fly, I can fly
I'll stay alive for one warm night, until our stars align
Me, and the me who was innocent
Don't give into fear, don't stand and watch me dissapear

It's all for love
All for love for the baby I was before
Before the paint

In this darkness I'll learn from you,
No one else, just from you
And I'll watch you go

But make no mistakes, you'll see my face again
If you look away I'll become your true reflection
I'll stay, I'll stay

I'll stay alive for one more night, one more dream
One more adventure
I'll move through these stark dreams just for you
Just for you, the one who was me
The one who was me when I was innocent and naive

Maybe then our stars will align, I'll have to cross dark paths of the nightmares
And then our stars will align, and then we'll become who we're meant to be together

And I want to call this, this moment

Fairy tale

•••
The very last song of the mixtape was the very last song I wrote for it.
I couldn't settle on a single vocal melody, nothing satisfied me, words just didn't come out write when I'd sing. Broken Record  suggested time and time again that I'd do spoken word but I'm stubborn, so instead, I sat on the track for months doing nothing with it.
It was December 18. I wanted to have it done before I left to visit my family in a couple days so we could release it, be done with it. And this was the last one.
I sat down and close my eyes. Every thing  made sense at once. I thought of the time line and it had been a year since this whole process had begun - me writing lyrics, me experiencing healing through my words,  me allowing myself to let others see that I was suffering.
So I took the mic and I spoke. I just told the mic everything I thought it needed to know about my journey.

I wanted a new beginning. I wanted to put an end to my endless nights of night terrors (part of my ptsd), I wanted to fight urges and to say goodbye to this chapter in my life while seeking a new beginning in a new city.

In this song, me , my mental illness and my higher self speak to one another, make vows of forgiveness, of understanding that it's been a journey of self discovery. I promise to learn from you (which is me in that case) . I promised to stay alive until we all meet: me, my illness, my higher self - and we all become one. That moment will be my dream.

As soon as I finished recording this song about self redemption and a vow to not end my life I found out that someone who inspired me to write this song to begin with had committed suicide.

Breathe, by Kim Jonghyun, sung by Lee Hi had been one of the songs I took inspiration from while writing this one. I had been listening to it right before I had the insight of what to write. And  just like that, somebody my age took his own life because he wasn't able to stay here. I don't know why. I'll never know why.
But I dedicate this song to his spirit that is healing somewhere. He will find peace wherever he is.

Like RM says:
"Love myself, love yourself"