Faded memories// Jamilton

Chapter 6

He slung his arm over my shoulders as we continued to walk.

Once we got back to the dorm and trudged to my room and flopped down on my bed.

Images of an anxiety-paralyzed Alex still flashing through my mind as I drifted off to sleep.   

~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Thomas*

I woke up in my clothes from yesterday and star-fished across my bed. I get up and stretch. Slowly, I walk out to the living room, to be met with an empty room. I shrug and continue walking towards the bathroom. 

Looking into the mirror, I can now see that my hair is a mess. I quickly hop into the shower. 
I stand there letting the hot water hit my skin. It's calming in a way... almost peaceful. Almost. 

I finish my shower. Stepping out of the shower with a towel around my waist, I realize I never brought in a new change of clothes. 

DANG, IT! 

That means I have to sprint for my humanity to my room. 

I peek my head out of the bathroom to check and see if Jemmy is out there. 

He's not! Thank goodness. I sprint towards my room and quickly shut the door. I shuffle through the little clothes I have and find an outfit. 

A light green v-neck, grey skinny jeans, and grey and white converse. Decent enough. Contrary to what others believe, I only spend like... 10 minutes on my hair. I stand in front of my mirror floofing my hair up before I decide its good enough. I grab my bag and I slowly walk out of my room, grab a bottle of water and a mini granola bar before heading out. 

I walk around campus for a while before once again reaching that same tree. I lay down and stare at the sky as I begin to eat my granola bar, every now and then sipping on my water. 

"Mind if I join ya?" I jerk up and turn my head to see who spoke. 

"Oh, um...sure?" 
"Was that a question or an answer?" He says laughing a bit. I join in and mumble out-
"You can join. Better?" 
He sinks down next to me and I allow myself to fall back onto the semi-wet grass. 

"What are you doing here?" He asks. 
"I woke up early and I wanted to walk around a bit. " 
"Oh. Hey, did you ever set up an appointment for Alex with that teiripeoir?"
 "With a what?"
"Therapist.Sorry."
 "That's fine what language is that?"
 "Irish." I stare, gawking at the burly man in front of me.
"I didn't know you spoke Irish."
 "I am Irish." He chuckles a bit.
 "But back to my question, did you?"
"Did I what?" (We all have that one friend)
"Set up and appointment for Alex with that therapist?"
 "I did, but he hasn't been going apparently. "
 "Oh... good to know."
"Why do you ask?" I say, already knowing the answer.
 "Reasons."
"Okay..." I raise my hands in surrender and close my eyes. (< 500 words)

I check the time on my phone and sit up. 
"I have to go. I have to get to the cafe, bye Herc." 
"Mmm, bye Thomas." 

I stand up and walk away to the cafe. I flip the sign to 'open' and get ready for the day. 

I hear the familiar bell signaling that someone walked in. 
I peek behind the door frame of the kitchen and see Alexander. He's standing with his hands in his pockets and looking around. He seems... nervous. Huh. That's unlike him. 

Soon enough I walk out from behind the counter. 

"Heya." He quickly looks to me. 
"H-hey..." Mhpm. He stuttered. Why'd he come here anyway? He knows I work here.
"Black?" 
"Uh, um..." He looks down a bit before speaking again. "I um, about yesterday... I wanted to apologize for my outburst... I didn't want to think I was why you had that um, anxiety attack...but I'm convinced that it was because of me." 

Mphm. 

"Yeah, it was because of you..." 
"What?!" He jerks his head up at me. 
"You were the reason. You even said it yourself, but thanks for the apology." 
"I -you- uuh-" 
"I'm being blunt as can be Alex." 
"Don't you -" 
"Tell anyone got it." 
"No." I look up surprised, usually what he would say after our encounters. 
"What do you mean then." 
"Don't you think that we're friends now, no. I'm staying as far away from you as possible from now on, got it?" 
"What? But-" 
"I being blunt as can be." He gives me a half smile. 
"But, I thought-" 
"Thought we would be friends? Thought we would be best buddies, BFF's? No. I cant be near you, bad things happen, and its quite obvious the feelings are mutual. It's best we part ways okay? Don't expect any more apologies." 

I'm stunned. That went from kind to hurtful in .0145 seconds flat. 

"Alex-" 
"Hamilton. My name is reserved for friends only." He looks away and messes with his hand. What is up with him?! 
"Hamilton, where did you walk off to yesterday?" 
"I went to do this apology to you but you and James were... hugging, so I walked away. " 
"Where did you walk off to?" I repeat. He didnt answer my question. 
"I went to my dorm and I wrote." 
"For how long? No one saw you for the rest of the day!" 
"why do you care?! I went and wrote from like 12 to 10! Not a big deal! You don't care! No one does so don't act like your different!" 
"You wrote for 10 hours straight!?? Al- agh, Hamilton! You cant do that- " 
"What's it to you? " He spits. He s looking me in the eye. I see a mix of emotion, but anger and hurt are prominent. 
"See no one cares. They say they do but they will walk away, James will get tired of you and walk out, John, Laf, Herc? They'll leave me too! No one ever stays, everyone walks out." 

I wince. 

"D-Don't say that! Everyone I love stays! I don't push them away like you do!" 
He jolts up and slams his and on the countertop beside him. 
"I don't push people away! " 
"Yes, you do! You are pushing me away right now! 'Going our own ways!' You push everyone away from you Alex!" 

"D-don't call me Alex." 
"Exactly my point. Whatever. If you're not going to order something, then leave." I turn away and walk back behind the countertop. I hear the bell and see Alex, head down, walking towards campus.  It's 8:24. I have to leave. 

I shuffle away from the cafe and head to my class. 



A/N SIKE! Have fun for some angst and feelings being hurt! 


The same day, just Alex's Pov

*Alex* 

It was a restless night. I was tossing and turning and could only think of Thomas. 
If I really did cause his anxiety attack episode yesterday, then I can no longer be around him. I cant hurt him. 

Yeah. I'm running from my problems. But it's less painful and its safer for him.

It is the cowards way out 

I know 

You're a coward 

I know! 

Everyone will leave you because of that

I KNOW! 

Do you? 

Yes!

Did you? 

Yes... 

I shake my head and sit up. I stand up and stretch and walk to my bathroom and take a long, hot shower. 

The world seems to fade away as the hot water beats rhythmically against my skin. But the water slowly turns cold and I have to face reality again. 

I wrap myself in a towel and walk back to my room. 

I search for some decent looking clothes. 

There we go. 

A light blue t-shirt, white jeans, and black and white hightops. 
I brush through my hair and put it in a half up, half down bun.  
I walk out into the kitchen to see Herc walking out of the door. 

"Where ya going?" 
"Nowhere, just heading to an early class." 
"Mhm." 

He doesn't have his book bag with him, so I know that's not where he's going but I don't bother questioning him more. 

I grab a cold water bottle and sit down. 

What do I do? 
How do I say " I don't want to be around you because I don't want to hurt you more." in such a way that sounds like a good idea? 

Maybe you cant. Maybe because it's not a good plan. 

I stand up and slink back to my room to grab my bag and head out. I know where I need to go. 

The cafe. 


As I walk out of the dorm building I see Herc sitting on the ground under the same oak tree, were Thomas was yesterday.  

The thought of what happened yesterday caused a weight of guilt on my chest. I walked faster passing Herc and hauling for the cafe. 

I walked in and a bell rings. I Thomas nowhere in sight. I wait. I shove my hands in my pockets and look around the cafe. 

I never really looked at the surroundings of the actual cafe. It's nice. It has a calming essence about it. 

I hear a familiar voice. 

"Heya." I turn my head and look at the source of the voice.

"H-hey..."Shoot, I stuttered. 

"Black?" I don't want coffee. I need to stay focused. 
"Uh, um..." I look down before speaking again.

 "I um, about yesterday... I wanted to apologize for my outburst... I didn't want to think I was why you had that um, anxiety attack...but I'm convinced that it was because of me." 

It was deathly quiet before he spoke. 

"Yeah, it was because of you..."
"What?!"I instantly look up at him. I don't know why I'm surprised. 
"You were the reason. You even said it yourself, but thanks for the apology."
"I -you- uuh-"
"I'm being blunt as can be Alex." I know he is. I just don't want to have to do what I'm about to. 
"Don't you -"
"Tell anyone got it."
"No." He looks up at me with a surprised expression. Agh, I don't want to say this. 
"What do you mean then."
"Don't you think that we're friends now, no. I'm staying as far away from you as possible from now on, got it?" IT pained me to say this so much. I'm on the verge of tears but I manage to keep my composure. The more he hates me the better. He won't come near me. 
"What? But-" His eyes show pain and shock. 
"I being blunt as can be." I give him a half smile, trying to help. It didnt. 
"But, I thought-"
"Thought we would be friends? Thought we would be best buddies, BFF's? No. I cant be near you, bad things happen, and its quite obvious the feelings are mutual. It's best we part ways okay? Don't expect any more apologies." It hurt me to say that. 

Then why'd you say it? 
It's for the best! 
But you're in pain.. 
GOOD! 
It is good. 
I know!

He seems so hurt and shocked. This caused him more pain than it would if he stayed near me. But I continued. 

"Alex-" Agh! He's making this harder! 
"Hamilton. My name is reserved for friends only."I look away, not wanting him to see my face. I'm so close to tears. Why did I say that!? I sound so cruel! 
"Hamilton, where did you walk off to yesterday?" I freeze. I continue looking down. I respond as bland as possible. 

"I went to do this apology to you but you and James were... hugging, so I walked away. "
"Where did you walk off to?" He repeats. Ugh...! Fine!
"I went to my dorm and I wrote."
"For how long? No one saw you for the rest of the day!" Why does he acre still!? He needs to hate me! 
"why do you care?! I went and wrote from like 12 to 10! Not a big deal! You don't care! No one does so don't act like your different!" I spat. I won't be able to fix this. 
"You wrote for 10 hours straight!?? Al- agh, Hamilton! You cant do that- " Stop caring!! 
"What's it to you? " How can I say it like that? Anger bubbles in me. Stop caring! You don't really care! I continue-
"See no one cares. They say they do but they will walk away, James will get tired of you and walk out, John, Laf, Herc? They'll leave me too! No one ever stays, everyone walks out."

I wince at my own words. How did I let it all spill out? 

"D-Don't say that! Everyone I love stays! I don't push them away like you do!"

That hit me hard. I don't push people away! I finally look at him and slam my hand on the counter.

"I don't push people away! "
"Yes, you do! You are pushing me away right now! 'Going our own ways!' You push everyone away from you Alex!"

"D-don't call me Alex." But it sounds right coming from him!- NO! Stop! I have to do this. 
"Exactly my point. Whatever. If you're not going to order something, then leave." 

He turns away from me. I stand in shock and pain. I hang my head and walk out. I head toward campus. I'm going to hide out in the library today. I don't feel up to class. 



Why am I such a screw-up? 
I push people away because I think its better for them, even if they fight to stay. I feel so selfish even if I think I'm helping them. 

I hate it. 

A/N SO SORRY! So sorry this took so long but it's 2284 words so it's twice s long to repay you guys for not updating. I hope you like it. 
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