euphoria / jjk

sweet talk and sleep sacrifices

dear jeongguk,

 i remember the night when we were seated on the couch at your house, limbs intertwined. my head on your chest and your arms wrapped securely around my fragile body as we watched a random tv show playing which none of us payed attention to. 

i looked up to you, tried to express my feelings with ease when you asked me what's wrong. instead i couldn't convey what i wanted to say so i said, "i'm sorry but it's hard for me too."

with a little smile, you squeezed my arm in comfort and replied in return, "i know, eunji. but you're not going through what i am and have gone through." you paused, thinking of the right words, "and god forbid, i hope it never does happen to you." and with that, the conversation of me telling you about myself had closed. like always. oh, so you know how many types of pains exist? it was quite efficient of you to identify my pain before i could. 

 i wanted to scream, to shout at you for always treating me like this. how could you be so ignorant? how could you let me suffocate all alone? maybe that's why i stopped complaining, shoving my misery into the deepest recesses of my heart just to extract your pain out in the form of sweet talk and sleep sacrifices. 

  i know your loss is incomparable, i just wanted you to understand that i get hurt too sometimes. i wish you'd stop comparing your pain to my pain because all pains are different. just like your pain is different and my pain is different. i wish you'd just try to understand me without giving examples of your heartache to comfort me because it's not comforting at all.  

that night, i told you i was sorry. you said, that i say sorry too much with a chuckle and drifted off to sleep. jeongguk, my love how do i tell you it's probably the only type of emotion i felt towards you? i'm sorry, love but sympathy isn't love, is it?