euphoria / jjk

i want to tell you

dear jeongguk,

i met your friend namjoon at the supermarket today, to say it was an awkward encounter would be an understatement because the last time he saw me was at our apartment in seoul, cuddled up together. he probably didn't think you and i would end up like this. to honest, jeongguk, neither did i.

we sat down for coffee and talked for a bit. he told me how he recently got engaged to one of our high school friends, sohyun and i told him how i was keeping up with work. talking to him for at least half an hour made me realize that it was the longest i've spoken to someone in almost a year. i had isolated myself from all sorts of too friendly interactions and focused solely on my work so that when namjoon asked me if i got myself a man, i was speechless. some part of me wanted to lie and say i did so he passes the word onto you but some part of me ached at the thought of you. i decided on telling him the truth. it was nice while it lasted, talking to him until we bid goodbyes and went on our separate ways.

you know, jeongguk, you would mostly mumble inaudible things in your sleep and they would all be about your parents who passed away but soon enough you started talking about miyeon. i would listen to you talk about her, even in your sleep now and feel hideous in my own skin. i tried ignoring the queasy feelings in my stomach and wondered how i could be like her. at most nights, instead of sleeping i'd be wide awake thinking of how i'm the exact opposite of her. she was beautiful but maybe i was not?

one day, i almost reached my breaking point. that day when you tried confessing your undying love to miyeon. don't ask me how i know you did. the family dinner at your parents' old house, you and her alone in that damned room so close. i heard it all, i heard how you told her you still love her and she pushed you away from her, told you she loves your brother with her whole heart. i couldn't even hate her. i still remember that feeling, the feeling when you feel your heart shatter into tiny million pieces. i forgot how to breathe for a split second.

i still couldn't confront you, jeongguk. i still couldn't bring myself to ask you why you did what you did. you two came out of that room with such nonchalant expressions, i almost wanted to scoff.

we went home after dinner, you had a sour expression on your face and for the first time you raised your voice at me.
"i just fucking told you i'm not sleepy, God. you don't understand, do you?" i didn't say anything further, i couldn't. i wasn't the one to argue, loud voices scared me and you knew that.

as i was changing into my pj's, it dawned upon me how we didn't have a normal conversation about ourselves since the last five months. it was always about how miyeon likes fried chicken, how miyeon's favorite tv show is 2 broke girls, what miyeon's favorite book is, miyeon this and miyeon that.

i wanted to tell you too, i wanted to tell you so many things. i wanted to tell you about what i daydream about, all my future plans, all my favorite tv shows, all my favorite books, all the things you failed to ask me.
you were too broken to fill the missing pieces of me.

i was tired of her breaking you apart and me, always being the one who picks up the broken pieces of your heart. i understand you needed someone but i wish you understood that i needed someone too.

- a/n
hi everyone !! it's only been five chapters yet, if you have any questions feel free to ask me and i'll be updating everyday. i hope you guys enjoy this story although i know it's a bit boring haha
bye!!

- m 🍯