euphoria / jjk

fool's gold

there is so much in jeongguk's silence, so much he just won't say. i can see by his expression there's a lot going on in his head, but if i ask he just says he was thinking of how pretty i am. got to give the boy credit, he's smoother than silk. he knows, he knows the subject is inevitable and at some point he's got to face it eventually, one way or the other. what happened on that night still remained unspoken of after deadly silence and short, blazing glances none of us talked about what happened the night i stayed at his house.

we have feelings that are not visible, we do things to prevent ourselves from being miserable. i can't bring myself to accuse him of such thing though, or perhaps this time i want to comfort myself with coaxing words. there was a time in my life i expressed my feelings in a true way, but we can't go on like that, right? we do need to get a grip on our own minds.

jeongguk and i worked efficiently for the business deal, the result was also seemingly good. i couldn't help but notice underneath the smiles and laughter, there was an awkward tension lingering around; something i had gotten used to for the past two weeks but it still bothered me. i should have expected this by now, i should have given myself a prep talk to prepare for this moment.

things were slowly falling back to the way they were before, now that the deal was done and dusted. jeongguk had no reason to leisurely come around by my office and talk to me, and for some reason a part of me felt hollow. the fact that our conversation wasn't more than just a -"hey, how are you doing?" saddened me, i didn't want things to be that way. maybe i was the one who misunderstood his kindness and selfless actions, something i wasn't really used to. maybe that's why it felt so good to finally bask in newly found happiness, like a starved person waiting to be fed - simply with love.

"do you know why educated people are so hot?" taehyung asked, turning in his swivel chair, dramatically. i stifle a laugh, looking back at him with an uncertain smile.

"no, why?"

"because they've got more degrees!" taehyung laughed infectiously. his eyes turning into little crescents as a huge, heart-shaped smile spreads across his face.

suddenly, i'm laughing so hard that i can't find the will to stop. i'm not even sure why, the waves of laughter keep coming. i wave my hand in the air, only to rest it on taehyung's shoulder. i try to catch my breath and snort, staring at him wide-eyed, shocked that i would do such a thing and he suddenly bursts out laughing. for some reason, his laughter fills me with joy.

"that wasn't even funny, why did i even laugh," i managed to say after our laughing session died down. for a moment, we just sit there catching our breaths and turning in our swivel chairs; something we had in common that we did quite often.

"you've got to admit, that was pretty funny." taehyung said, smiling.

"okay fine, it was. happy?" i rolled my eyes, looking around.

"yes, very." taehyung mumbled, eventually focusing on his work.

back in the years, i wasn't this much of a loner but i have to admit i've brought it upon myself. no one's to blame, taehyung's an amazing co-worker and makes coming to work fun for me at times. i still can't help but maintain a distance with him, not just him but with every other person i talk to. i don't want to have a "best friend" simply because i stopped believing in them, betrayal comes in the worst forms and i never want to get a taste of it again.

i'm afraid if i step a little out of my comfort zone, he'll get bored. just like everyone else, he won't find me charming or enticing anymore and that's something i fear; people who i love losing interest in me for who i am. never once have i cried in front of people with the exception of my mom and jeongguk. to people, i was calm and collected. i held my head high and smiled in front of everyone, yet as soon as i was alone, the mask dropped and tears fell. i figured it was a good thing, not letting anyone know about my weaknesses.

"mr. kwon said you need to deliver these files back to mr. jeon," nayeon, the receptionist informed me and placed the heavy looking pile onto my desk.

i drew a deep breath, eyeing the files with an i'm-so-done-with-my-life expression and i guess taehyung noticed, because he sent a sympathetic smile towards my way.

tucking the files in my arms, i stood up with a huff. slinging my handbag over my shoulder as i wave taehyung, looking back as he waved back. i trudged down the hallway, making my way to my car. i wanted to get this over with as soon as possible, i decided i would just greet him, hand him those files and go back.

the way to jeongguk's house was a short drive, the car engine sung to the city streets. i relished the roaring winds that twirled in my long, brunette hair and whistled in my ears. parking my car, in the driveway of his exceptionally good-looking house, i carry my belongings with me which consisted of his files and my handbag.

the house was beautifully symmetrical, two wings stretching to each side reaching out to touch the fences on each side. i had to admit, he'd done a pretty good job maintaining the house. carefully, i walked over to the front door and rung the bell hesitantly. within a few minutes, a disheveled looking jeongguk appeared at the door as if he'd ran marathons before opening the door. i nervously smiled as he stared wide-eyed at me, looking as if he'd seen some ghost and saw his life flash before his eyes.

"eunji? what brings you here?" jeongguk interrogates me, closing the door as we walk inside. i place the files onto the coffee table, looking back at him.

"to give you these," i motioned towards the files which were now placed on the coffee table, right next to the orchids i'd spotted earlier. "mr. kwon wanted me to."

"i see."

a wave of a mixture between awkwardness and tension washed over us until i realized he was officially avoiding me for some reason, i couldn't get. as we stand, i glance over at jeongguk's face, still smoldering underneath his stony expression. his rage seems pointless to me, although i never say so. i turn on my heels, ready to go back until a hand grips my wrist, stopping me in my tracks.

"wait- eunji, let's talk." he says in an urgent tone, like he didn't want to talk but would do anything to stop me from leaving.

"okay, talk." i turn around to face him, crossing my arms.

a few minutes later, we were sitting at the new coffee table, it was old fashioned and mahogany. i sat down hesitantly along with jeongguk and waited for the dreaded silence to hit us once more. jeongguk's shoulders were slumped and his eyes cast down in a mournful gaze. his mouth was set in a semi-pout as he traced patterns on the table. i shifted in my seat uncomfortably, wondering why i even agreed with him.

"i'm going back to seoul." jeongguk said, refusing to make eye contact with me.

i sit still on my chair, with no strength to move. my shaky fingers finally come to stop after running restlessly through my messed up hair. i bite down on my lip trying not to burst into tears. this not going to help, it's not going to change anything. he's leaving and i can't do anything to stop him, no matter how much i want to scream at him to not leave me. that would be quite hypocritical of me, considering the fact that a year ago i did the same thing to him. perhaps, i deserved the heart-wrenching pain i felt when he said that.

"maybe i'll come back after a year, i'm not sure." he mumbled motionlessly, unaware of the time that passed, just starring into the abyss. no thoughts came to me except that our fate was sealed. i took that as a cue for me to leave as i got up, still a little shaken up.

"eunji." he whispered, finally looking at me. "i've lost you once, i don't want to lose you again. will you come to seoul with me?"