Sometimes i'm comfortable in my own loneliness, in my own bed and thoughts like 'i don't wanna leave the house' fill up my head.
Who would've knew that this is the '1 year later me'? The 'me that now lives in Gwacheon'?
Well, me. I knew it for sure.
And for some reasons, in a blink of an eye, i wasn't going to the psychologist anymore.
To be honest, i never really went to the new one in the first place. I never liked sudden changes and after my last experience with doctors like the one i had in Seoul i said 'pass'.
I know how pathetic i must be for judging like that, without knowing anything about this 'doctor Jin'.
I was sick of doctors. They were supposed to make me and everyone else better but all they did was to make me suffer.
Yes, i blame them.
They couldn't save my husband and son but all they did was to make me feel worthless.
Call me butthurt but all of that was hurting too much. All of those things happened at the same time.
Of course i was vulnerable.
Loneliness is so addicting but i sometimes catch myself hating the silence, hating the same room, the same 4 walls, the same air and the same feelings.
These things will never change. Because it will never be the same without them, no matter how hard i try.
Ah, i thought about them again today...twice.
I made myself a plan to help me forget them slowly.
And the pain is always gonna be there but my boss told me to do something about it, because our clients don't like it.
Yes. I accepted the job.
My boss wouldn't like me going to a doctor eather.
He said that i shouldn't make too much contact with people due my job.
No, it's not illegal. The job isn't illegal at all.
But i must keep it secret. No one needs to know what i do and where i do it.
No one needs to that what kind of job i have and who i really am.
I learned to live like that; to choose money over people, money over company.
Because in life, you can't have both. And in life, you always need to pick one of them.
You can never have both no matter how hard you try.
And in this case, i decided not to even try.
Being around people and having interactions with them was already a lost cause for me.
