My Grey Nights {EDITING}

Chapter 12.

Chyna McCartney

I stuffed the spoon of snicker ice cream into my mouth, and watched the rest of Beauty and the Beast. This movie described how I felt, but the only difference was, I was the hideous beast. Scared of my appearance that showed out in the open. Then there's Noah, he comes into my life out of no where and try's to tell me how beautiful I really am but I don't believe him. People staring at you every time they got, not knowing how they felt when they stared at you, so you get offended. Only because you think they're looking at you in disgust. Well the feeling is mutual. The princess was the one I admired the most, because of her beautiful conference that showed throughout the movie.

Then there's the part when the beast gets angry because the princess try's and tell him he's beautiful. It brings me back into reality, my life. I didn't notice there were tears dropping from my eyes until I started to taste that salty substance. I threw the spoon back into the bowl of ice scream and cut the movie off. I was in my extra room and Sid was gone. I was alone, and again, I felt isolated. Noah and I are avoiding each other again, but I kind of feel like it was my fault I'm the one that spassed out when he was only trying to tell me he felt like we were rushing. I signed I stood up and opened my room door and exited going down the stairs my feet scuffed against the rug when I reached to bottom. I trotted into the kitchen and open the refrigerator and it was empty. There was only sandwich spread and and bottles of water and left over Chinese food and other shit I wasn't in the mood to eat.

Emptiness is what this was, loneliness is what this is, isolation and the confusion of being cautious about what if somebody else decide to barge into my life thinking they can control my way of living. I can't live if I'm confounded with two elements between self-esteem and the continuous of pain and confusion. My self-esteem is very low and my mind and heart is limp, no one is trying to help me mold them back. My heart is empty and is waiting for that somebody, anybody so come in and fulfill its place. I thought it was Noah, but he's playing to many games. I've think it time for me to stop playing those childish games and step up to the plate, and Noah isn't ready. I just want him to hold me, to console me in his arms tightly and never let me go! I've grown a strong loving to Noah, but he's to blind to notice it.

I heard the door open and close,

"Chyna, you home mami?" Sid's voice bounced off the walls of the house. I quickly wiped my eyes and put on a fake smile,

"I'm in the kitchen!" I yelled back, seconds later Sid walks into the kitchen, he signed in frustration.

"My moms tripping!" He breathed out, taking a seat at the island and grabbing a apple out of the fruit bowl in the middle of it. He bit into the apple, then my stomach started to growl. Shit! I need to eat something, I thought

"What mama do?" I asked taking a seat at the Island too.

"I forgot to drop Jose off at his soccer game, so she gets mad and starts screaming and throwing shit at me!" He confessed biting into the apple again. I laughed,

"Now you know damn well mama got a temper on her, why would you fuck up her schedule?" I laughed. He shook his head,

"What ever, and I don't like that you put on a fake ass smile like you don't think, I know when yo ass been crying! so what's up?" He said with a serious facial expression. Dammit. I thought. I signed, looking down at my hands I spoke.

"I just feel.. Lonely and isolated, you know? I like Noah, a lot. But he's playing around with my feelings and I just can't take it. He can have all the girls in the world but he chooses me! He makes me feel beautiful. But I don't think I am, so I refuse to believe him or anyone. How am I just suppose to believe him if I've been put down all my fucking life!" My voice cracked, "all of these light skin, mixed and white people are drop dead gorgeous and-and" my voice stopped and tears fell freely down my cheeks. Sid stood up and wrapped his arms around me, while rubbing my back.

"You see this is the shit I'm talking about Chyna!" Sid said, as my tears kept coming. I'm so fucking insecure! I thought. He held onto me until I stopped crying. He let me go and stared at me,

"Chyna, repeat after me." He said and I nodded,

"I'm beautiful, fuck everybody else!" He said, I stared at him and started laughing lightly, "are you serious?" I asked he nodded,

"Hell yeah! now say it!" He said, I wiped my tears away and put them on his shirt.

"I'm beautiful, fuck everybody else..." I said lowly.

"Louder!"

"I'm beautiful, fuck everybody else." I said a little louder, then I laughed, "this is ridiculo-"

"I can't. hear. you!" He yelled, cutting me off. I laughed,

"I'm beautiful, fuck everybody else!" I yelled, then I smiled. the littlest things Sid do makes me laugh and smile and I guess that's how we became every good friends.

"Thanks, I love you Sid!" I said giving him a hug, he laughed,

"I love you too Chyna. Now get off of me your giving me cooties." He said pushing me off of him. I laughed then my stomach growled again,

"Sid, I'm starving!" I confessed rubbing flat stomach. He laughed, grabbing his car keys of the counter he smiled,

"I'm very proud of you Chyna, seriously." He said walking out of the kitchen leaving me in the house agian. I smiled and walked upstairs and went to the bathroom. I stood in the mirror and said,

"I'm beautiful and I'm proud." I smiled, I wasn't fully convinced yet, but it was coming slowly and surely.... and right now it was 'Fuck Noah!'

_____________

July 17, 2014