Learning To Live

Chapter 8: Happy

For the next two weeks, I continued to get better and better. The process was slow, but not at a standstill. I still refused to go in the water, for fear of them seeing my scars, and I couldn't very well swim in my clothes every day.

I was woken up one morning by a soft rapping at my door.  I forced myself out of bed and over to the door.  I opened it to find Keoki standing there, smiling.

"Hey, Lia.  Wanna watch the sunrise with some of us?"  He asked, and I nodded.  Sunrises in Hanalei Bay were beautiful, and I didn't think I could ever tire of them.

"I'll be out in a second."  I shut the door and went to change.  I was about to pick out black clothes, but thought for a second.  Would color really be bad?  I mean, I wore black because I was in a terrible place.  But now I was much better, and it certainly couldn't hurt to have a little light in my life.

So I settled on a sky blue tank top and white shorts, then quickly changed.  I headed down the stairs and to the back porch.  Keoki and Kai were already out there, and I guessed it would just be us three.  I opened the door and went out.

"Hey Lia."  Kai smiled, showing his teeth.  I smiled back, now that I wasn't opposed to smiling anymore.  It was actually much easier than frowning all the time, so I found myself doing it a whole lot more now.

"Wanna sit on the beach?"  Keoki asked, and Kai and I both readily agreed.  The boys bounded down the steps and raced each other to the beach while I slowly followed.

We all sat down, and watched the beauty rise over the ocean.

"I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be."  I sighed, smiling.  The second the words left my mouth, I immediately regretted it. The old me never would have said anything like that.  What was this?  Was I going all soft now?  However, the boys just murmured in agreement.  They hadn't even noticed that the statement hadn't sounded like me at all; thank goodness.

* * *

As I watched the sun slowly rise, I started thinking about the last three weeks I'd been here.  I hadn't smoked for two of them, yet I wasn't ready to throw away all the packs yet.

But here, watching the sunrise over the ocean with these two boys who befriended me...  I felt at peace; I felt calm.  I felt happy.  Oh great; I was actually happy.  How had I let this happen?!  I laid back in the sand and groaned, forgetting for a second that I wasn't alone.

"Why are you groaning?"  Keoki asked.

"I'm happy."  I spat, rolling my eyes.  The boys started laughing, but I failed to see what was funny.  They stopped when they saw my glare.

"There's nothing wrong with being happy!"  Kai exclaimed.  At his outburst, my glare softened and I looked down.  I suddenly didn't want to be here anymore.

"Hey, what's wrong?"  Keoki asked, eyes full of compassion and love.

"You said there's nothing wrong with being happy.  My Uncle used to tell me 'Happiness is fake. If you wanna feel good, hit a child'. Then he'd start laughing maniacally while beating me."  I tried to laugh a little at that, but my laugh was turned into a sob and tears started streaming down my face.  I relived the moment, not even cognitive enough to feel embarrassed that Keoki and Kai were watching it all.  I despised that my mind always went to that memory of my uncle every time someone talked about happy being good.

"Is it okay if I put my arm around you?"  Kai asked, probably not knowing how to console me.

"No, don't touch me!"  I covered my face, terrified of being hurt again.

"Don't worry.  I'm not going to touch you."  He scooted a little bit away so he didn't come off as threatening anymore, and Keoki did the same.  I did want him to put his arm around me, but I didn't want to have a flashback.  Maybe I wouldn't have one though, I thought as I started to calm down.

I shyly glanced at him from behind my hands, afraid to contradict what I'd just told him.  He looked at me and gave a sad smile; he wanted to help, but didn't' know how.  I could feel myself becoming nervous, and I mentally cursed myself for that.  I pushed away the feeling, put on my big girl pants, and went right ahead and asked him.

"Can you, um...  Can you put your arm around me now?"  I was so embarrassed to ask him that, that I couldn't even look him in the eye.  His smiled widened as he scooted back closer to me and draped his arm across my shoulder.  It still seemed strange to me that a man could be gentle and kind, but this actually felt really nice.

"Oh, we have to make breakfast.  Mom had something this morning."  Kai groaned.

"I'll take care of it.  Don't worry."  Keoki patted his brother on the back and started toward the house.  Watching this exchange of kindness between brothers made me wish I'd had a sibling growing up.  After Keoki left, Kai and I continued to watch the sun rise.  I had watched it so many times, but I would never tire of it's beauty.

I breathed in the scent of the ocean, and let out a contented sigh.  It was a bit of a bold move, but I leaned into Kai, nearly laying my head on his shoulder.  I could feel his firm muscles on my back, and I actually felt safe.  Thinking back on my entire life, this had to be the first time I'd felt safe with a man.  I wasn't entirely sure how long the feeling would last, but I was determined to enjoy it for the time being.