Learning To Live

Chapter 9: Fear

Once the sun was well in the sky, Kai and I headed inside.  Kai went to the kitchen to help Keoki finish up, while I went upstairs to use the bathroom. When I came downstairs, I heard Keoki and Kai talking. I stood outside the kitchen, not caring that it was wrong, and eavesdropped.

"Thanks for taking breakfast duty. That's the first time I've seen her let a guy touch her." Kai said to his brother.

"I just want her to get better. It's been really nice having her here, and I'm amazed at how far she's come." Keoki responded.

"But..." Kai prodded.

"But I'm pretty sure she's still hiding cigarettes in her room, and..." Keoki sighed.

"And you're afraid she'll go back to them eventually." Kai finished for him. I didn't stay to hear the rest of the conversation. I ran upstairs and grabbed the bag full of cigarette packs. I went back downstairs and walked into the kitchen.

"Here." I held the bag out and waited for one of them to take it. Keoki silently stepped forward and grabbed the bag. He opened it, giving me a slight nod when he saw what was in it.

"You heard our conversation, huh?" Kai asked, peering into the bag as well. I nodded.

"I don't have any more than what's in the bag, so you don't have to worry anymore." I shrugged. After my statement, Keoki changed the subject and started talking about surfing.

"Do you wanna learn how to surf?" Keoki asked me, looking hopeful. I shook my head; I still didn't want to wear a swimsuit. They would all judge me. 

"Y'know, come to think of it, you've only been in the water once since you got here. And you were wearing your clothes." Kai observed. 

"Fine, you wanna know why I won't swim? It's because I don't want to wear a bathing suit. And do you know why I don't want to wear a bathing suit? It's because I have ugly scars that I don't want to be judged for."  My eyes filled with tears, but I refused to give in to crying again. These boys had seen me cry enough already. 

I don't know what possessed me to do it, but I hugged Kai. I literally flung myself at him and squeezed him as hard as I could. Tears forced themselves out of my eyes, and soon enough I was sobbing for the second time that morning. Kai's arms had instinctively wrapped around me the second I flew into his arms, making me feel safe and protected. I snuggled into his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. Kai wouldn't let my uncle hurt me.

Wait; what was I thinking? Where did these thoughts come from? I pushed out of Kai's embrace and stared at him, horrified. I ran out of the kitchen and up the stairs, passing Kelan and Kalei on the way. I shut and locked my bedroom door behind me. I leaned my back against the door and slid to the ground. My eyes filled with tears as I covered my face; I didn't know what just happened, but I knew it was all me. The boys hadn't done anything.

A knock sounded at my door, but I didn't answer it. I just sat there, waiting for the person outside the door to say something.

"Lia, please open the door." It was Keoki, and it sounded as if he was alone. I stood up and opened the door, wiping tears from my face. I stared at him, probably looking like a puppy that just got kicked.

"What do you want." I muttered. I wasn't sure I wanted him here, but I wasn't opposed to it either.

"I want to know if you're okay. Honestly." His forehead creased in worry.

"Yeah, I'm okay." I gave him the biggest fake smile I could muster.

"Lia..." Keoki looked at me, clearly not buying it. I looked at the ground, not really sure what to say. I mean, I could always open up, but where would that get me? Maybe it would a help. Unlikely, but worth a shot I suppose.

"I'm sorry." I wasn't even sure where to start, but an apology seemed like a good place.

"You really don't need to apologize." Keoki frowned at me disapprovingly.

"I'm sorry that you and your brothers had to deal with me. Especially when my mood changes so quickly like that... I don't know what possessed me to hug your brother." I shifted my weight, feeling uncomfortable with the topic.

"There's nothing wrong with hugging someone. Was it the fact that you hugged him? Or was it that he is a guy?" Keoki asked, tilting his head a little.

"I don't know. I just feel so judged for everything I do around here! Back in New York, everything was so much easier. I had no friends, I had good connections, and I could smoke and drink whenever I wanted!" I threw my hands in the air, exasperated.

"No one is judging you here, Lia. As we've told you countless times, we just want to see you get better. And yeah, I'm sure things were easier back there, but even though things here are harder at times, it is much better." He countered everything I had just said. All I could say to that was 'Oh'. Things were indeed better here, but I had been holding up so much anger that I refused to see that. I wanted things back the way they were, but that obviously wouldn't happen any time soon; so I'd just have to deal with it.

"Why don't you come downstairs again. It can't be fun to hide in your room all day." Keoki winked, gesturing toward the stairs. I smiled a little and sighed; it couldn't hurt to go downstairs. I started following Keoki down the hall, but once we got to the stairs, I stopped.

"What's wrong?" He asked, turning around.

"Will Kai be mad at me?" I asked, worriedly.

"No, of course not. He'll be happy you decided to come down again." Keoki assured me, and headed the rest of the way to the kitchen with me on his heels.