Starving; A Sherlock Fanfic

Lost Chances

Sherlock's POV

It's now or never. It's my only chance. Don't fuck it up, oh god, don't fuck it up. Just do it, count to three and do it.

One, I shouldn't do this.

Two, I have to do this.

Three, I will do this...

I yelled in frustration and threw the razor blade down on the floor. I'm such a god damn coward. This is my chance to... to... John's out and won't be back for hours, no one's expecting me, I'd long gone by the time anyone found me. But I can't do it, I just can't.
I won't have another chance. If John finds out how bad I am, how messed up and far gone I really truly am, he'll never let me out of his sight. This is my only chance to get out. My only chance to make things right. I don't deserve life, and even if I did I wouldn't want one in my mind. This is my only chance. My last chance to die.
I've come face to face with guns and murders and the worst sorts of people and never been afraid. Never truly afraid. But now I can't seem to bring myself to be killed by my own hand.
God, Sherlock, can't you just die already, you bastard. You've made a mess of everything. John hates you, as do Molly and Lestrad. Mycroft thinks you're a nothing, which you are, and Ms. Hudson takes pity on you. You are a worthless human being who just complicates everything.
I suddenly realize that I've sunk down to the floor with my back to the wall. A pair of arms are wrapped around me tightly and someone is resting their chin on my head, as if comforting a crying child. I suppose I must look like one. I lean into whoever it is, my mind unable to focus on who. I breath in, it smells like John, like coffee and cotton and the cold outside air. John. He hates me. He hates me. He must.
"Shhhhh no, no I don't," They say quietly, "Breathe, love, just breathe. I promise it's okay."
I can't breathe, I'm suffocating. And suddenly so exhausted. My limbs feel unbearably heavy and my head aches. I feel sleep coming for me. I can't fight it, I fall down willingly into unconsciousness. The warm embrace of nothing.
The last thing I hear sounds like an echo from underwater. "It's okay, its okay sleep. I'll be right here. I'll stay right here. I won't ever leave you."
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Heyyyyyy.... Yeah sorry I don't have an excuse for the months of no updates. I sowwy, will a cookie make it better? 🍪 Has a cookie human. Anyways! I don't know what this chapter was but thanks for reading! Hopefully it made you feel like an angsty human because we're all angsty in our hearts.