Starving; A Sherlock Fanfic

Counting

Sherlock's POV

     It was the first snow of the year, snowflakes fluttered past the window and settled in the street below. The cold seeped in through the windows and into the dimly lit flat, the gray skies above offering no sunlight. John was in his chair, bundled in blankets and reading, and I stood by the window, violin in hand, but I'd stopped playing a while ago. Staring out the window in a state of numbness, like on the verge of an anxiety attack, yet somehow calm. Slowly I set down the violin and began to pace.

     One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, turn. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, turn. John had been making me eat 1,300 calories minimum every day, if I couldn't change that I'd walk until I made up for it. The other solutions to getting rid of it were... too obvious to be done at the moment. John might be incredibly unobservant but he was far from stupid. I started pacing faster, still counting ten steps then turning. Two pieces of toast this morning, 150, plus coffee with sugar, 25-30, that equals 180 calories. Then lunch, which was two sandwiches, about 720 calories. 900 calories total, which means I needed to get rid of exactly that to stay where I wanted to on my intake. But to be stay in an acceptable range around 500 calories would be okay.

     "Sherlock? Sherlock can you hear me?" John's voice had a combination of amusement and concern, as I heard him get to his feet. I ignored him and continued walking, my lips moving silently. He stepped closer a reached for my shoulder, I instinctively jumped away and snapped back into reality.

     "Don't." Flinching at the sound of my own voice, "Don't touch me, don't stop me, just don't. Don't... Don't..." I paused. There I was, feeling like a child who'd been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to. I felt guilty, honestly rather stupid considering John didn't know why I was pacing, yet I felt like I was letting him down. Well, I suppose I sort of was, but what he didn't know couldn't hurt him, only me.

     "Why are you pacing like your bloody life depends on it?" He crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows. I shrugged and looked away, "Answer me, Sherlock."

      "Making up for things..." I muttered under my breath, and turned away from him.

     "Making up for what?" When I didn't respond, I heard a laugh of disbelief from behind me, "You're trying to burn off calories, aren't you? I can't believe this, Sherlock, you were doing well!"

     "I don't want to do 'well', John! I'm not doing anything wrong!"

     "If you keep doing this you are going to die!"

     "Well that's proved rather difficult in the past so I think I'll be fine." I huffed sarcastically, however it was quite true. It was also probably a bit harsh as well, I felt John tense behind me and heard his breath catch in his throat. "I... It's not like I care much at this point."

     "You don't have to want to live, I don't care if you want to or not." He fought to keep his voice steady, I closed my eyes, regretting everything, "I want you to live. Sherlock, do you understand me?! I need  you to live! So please... just please... I... I don't want you to..." He went silent.

     "John please..." I turned and saw him, tears threatening to escape his eyes, staring at the ceiling, "God, I'm so sorry, please don't be upset, John, I'm sorry." I never meant for this to happen. Why did he have to care? This would all be so much easier if no one cared. I wrapped my arms around him and he buried his head into my chest.

     I could feel his silent sobs into my shirt. He grabbed my shirt.

     "Don't you dare die, you understand me? Don't you dare, Sherlock Holmes..." His words were muffled and shaky

     "Alright... Alright I won't, I promise." I sighed, I wanted to try for him. Just so I never have to hurt him like this again, he was human and he was empathetic and he cared and I needed to remember that. "I'll try harder, I swear." He nodded slightly.

     "Alright... Okay... Um..." I looked around a bent to pick up a blanket, wrapping it around John before leading him to the sofa.

     We sat and I pulled him closer to me, running my hand through his hair gently until his breathing steadied and he fell asleep. I wanted to try to be... better, if for no one else but him. It hurt me to see him like that, defeated and afraid. This would be a long, long road, one I was most certainly not looking forward to.

__________________________________________________

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... Sorry about the wait, love ya guys! Hope you all liked this chapter! Hopefully you'll be hearing from me sometime before May XD Don't forget to let me know what you guys think and leave some feedback and suggestions!