Coruscate

Two

"Anak, gising ka na ba? Kailangan mo na mag-ayos. Marami na ang naghihintay sa labas."

I felt the bed dip. Yaya Lea started combing through my hair with her fingers. I stayed rooted in bed with tears rolling down my eyes. I don't wanna get up and face other people. I don't want to see pity in their eyes. I'm not ready yet.

My eyes are so raw and swollen from crying for days now. I lost my appetite. I don't remember if I even ate anything this past few days. Also, my room is such a mess. I threw a fit and nearly destroyed my room after I got home from the hospital. My yaya can't even clean it up because I locked myself up here and everytime she tries to clean it up, I just trash it again.

I haven't left my room for days. And now, I got no choice but to face the world again. I rose from the bed and headed to my en suite not bothering to look at Yaya Lea. I heard her sigh before she left my room.

I saw the white dress and beige heels on my walk in closet after I got out of the shower. I put the dress on and quickly dried my hair. I didn't want to put on any make up but I know my mother wouldn't like me facing people looking like a zombie. So I put on concealer, fixed my brows and swiped on some tinted lip balm to look presentable enough.

I don't like who I'm seeing in the mirror. She's really pale and her eyes are really puffy even with concealer on. I think I lost weight as well as this dress I'm wearing is a bit loose on me. I decided to add a ribbon to cinch my waist so the dress won't look ill fitting.

I grabbed the beige clutch bag to put my phone in which is kind of nonsense as it's been out of batteries for days now, I saw yaya put in a white handkerchief inside my clutch which I'm already using to wipe my nonstop tears. I wore a huge designer sunglasses to cover my puffy eyes. I decided to put on my mother's favorite pearls and perfume. I needed to feel her. I wore my beige heels and then headed downstairs.

Yaya Lea is waiting for me on the foyer. She held my hand and we went downstairs hand in hand. I'm shaking and she tightened her hold on me.

"Anak, stay strong. Alam kong mahirap at masakit pero kayanin mo ngayong araw. Andito lang ako. Hindi kita iiwan." Pinisil niya ang kamay ko.

Nakikita ko na ang mga bisita na nakatingin sakin. Ngayon lang kasi ako lumabas sa kwarto ko. Di ko sila pinansin. I headed to my parents.

It breaks my heart that they didn't even said goodbye to me. Kahit nung umalis ako sa bahay para pumasok sa school ng araw na yun. Hindi nag bye sakin si Mommy. She just told me to do good in school and that Dad will drive me there. Tapos si Daddy din. Ni hindi siya nag bye sakin pagkahatid niya sakin noon.

They didn't say goodbye. And now I'm gonna say my final goodbye to them. This is too hard.

Matapos kong titigan ng matagal ang parents ko na nasa loob ng coffin, naglakad na ako palabas ng bahay. Walang lingon lingon na sumakay sa nakaabang na sasakyan.

Nang makasakay na din si Yaya Lea sa sasakyan ay umandar na ito. We are headed to the cemetery to bury my parents. Yes, my parents died. Car accident. Dead on the spot. Leaving me an orphan at 19.

I was crying the whole time. In the car. On the burial ceremony. Even after the last of the soil was put on top of the hole I was still crying. I don't even remember a time I wasn't crying.

"Hija, I need to sort out what your parents left behind. I'll be staying in your house this weekend to wrap up some business. I'll go ahead now. See you at home." My gramps hugged me and kissed my head before heading to his car.

Kami na lang ni Yaya Lea ang nandito sa cemetery. I can't hardly breathe sa pag-iyak ko. Yaya is crying too habang hinahagod ang likod ko. I don't wanna leave yet. Seeing my parents buried made it all too real. My parents are really dead. They're gone forever. I won't be seeing them back in our house after I come home.

"Yaya why did they leave me without even saying goodbye? What's worse is hindi pa kami okay. Magkaaway kami the night before they died. They didn't say goodbye to me the day we parted." Niyakap na lang ako ni Yaya sa sobrang iyak ko.

"Anak, mahal ka nila at di nila ginusto na maaksidente. Mahal na mahal ka ng magulang mo." Kahit anong pag alo ang gawin ni yaya ay di ako matigil sa pag iyak.

"Yaya, gusto ko maging independent sakanila. Mapalayo at mapag-isa. Pero hindi naman ganito ang gusto ko. Gusto ko lang makahinga mula sa nakakasakal na pagmamahal nila sakin. Pero hindi ang iwan ako mag-isa dito sa mundo."

"Ang sakit sakit ya. Hindi pa ko nakakabawi sakanila ehhh. Alam kong galit pa din sila sa kasalanan ko noon. Ang unfair naman! Iniwan nila agad ako. Bakit?" Nahihirapan na ko huminga. Nahihilo na ako.

I remember when yaya called me to break the news of my parents' accident. I rushed to the hospital. I thought I could see them alive if I rush, but they were dead on the spot. I can't believe it. I just had breakfast with them, they can't be gone already. They can't leave me alone.

The accident wasn't in the news. It didn't happen on a main road. It was inside the village. A moving truck lost control and breaks malfunctioned. My parents unfortunately did not immediately notice the speeding truck. The truck crushed my parents's sedan into a concrete wall. They didn't make it. We live in a highly secure village so the news didn't spread outside. Our family lawyers immediately sent out NDAs to witnesses. They have to sort out a lot of stuff before they make my parents' death public.

No one knew what was happening to me. I had to keep my parents' death a secret. I can't tell my friends what happened. The funeral was a family affair. I'm not even close to my relatives. I had to grieve alone.

I cried and cried until I blacked out.

I like it when I'm unconscious. I don't have to think about anything else. I'm just asleep. Just myself. Free.