My alarm went off the next day. I was still awake. I spent the entire night staring at my ceiling crying my eyes out. I had to go to school. I managed to hold myself back from cutting but every time I thought about it, I started crying.
I got to school and I had completely forgot we had standardized testing today. It was a four hour long test with one ten minute break. I got into the classroom and put my head down on the desk. I guess it was obvious I was upset because Mrs. Franks, my history teacher came over and asked me if I was okay. It was hard to lie, especially to her. She was like a mom to me. I picked my head up and made eye contact with her. I shook my head and she pulled me in to hug me and I broke down and started crying. I don't know why I was so upset about it. I only dated him for a month and I've only known him for two. He made me so happy and chances are we wouldn't even be able to talk like friends.
I took the test and managed to only cry once the entire four hours. Afterwards we went outside and they gave us pizza and we could just hang out with our friends for a while. Except I was so upset I had no intentions of eating or talking for that matter. I walked outside with Anna and Eve and I fell against the wall. They all sat around me talking and eating. Eventually, I guess they got tired of sitting around me and they stood up and walked to the playground and left me alone. I stared at my hands in my lap for a while. I kept checking my phone even though I knew there were no messages.
Suddenly, I looked up and saw him. He was surrounded by a bunch of people. He was laughing and smiling and seemed perfectly okay. It's like he didn't need me. I smiled a little. I was glad he was happy. His happiness was all that mattered to me, even if it wasn't me who was making him happy. I had tears on my face, my nose was bright red, and I was stupidly smiling as I stared at him when he suddenly made eye contact with me so I looked back down at my hands and covered my face with my sweatshirt. I thought he was going to come over and make sure I was okay, but he didn't. Nobody did. Everyone left me alone on the wall crying my eyes out.
I didn't talk to anyone the rest of the day, including at volleyball. In fact I took it out on the ball during practice. I sat outside waiting for my mom when my phone vibrated.
1 New Message: Joy- hey, I heard what happened, are you ok?
She was the first person besides Mrs. Franks to ask if I was okay. I told her I was fine even though I really wasn't. When I got home, I locked myself in my room and I cried all the tears I held in all day. I felt so shitty and so empty, I just didn't know what to do. I picked up my blades again for the first time in a month and took the blade to my leg. It looked so perfect and I tainted it with 36 different cuts. Some more deeper than others. I didn't clean them up. I sat on my bed completely naked and let the cuts bleed. Once they stopped and they started to sting, I leaned up and picked up my laptop and logged on to Facebook. I needed to distract myself for a little bit. I kept scrolling and then I noticed Shane was online. I clicked on his name. I wasn't sure what I was going to type, but I needed to say something.
Mia: Okay, I'm sure you really don't want to talk to me, but I wasn't having a great day and I need someone to talk to.
Shane: It's fine. I like talking to you. I'm sorry about last night.
Was he really sorry? If he was then why did he even do it in the first place?
Mia: I just. I really want to know why. Because I still really like you. Was it me? Was I being a bad girlfriend? Was I being too clingy and annoying?
Shane: No no. It wasn't anything you did. You were a great girlfriend.
Mia: then why...
Shane: I don't know.
Mia: Do you not like me anymore...?
I was honestly so afraid to hear his answer.
Shane: I still like you Mia. I just. I'm not ready to be in a relationship.
I decided to tell him about my cutting. I don't know the reasoning behind wanted to tell him, but I did. I told him that I've dealt with it for a while now. I also told him hat before tonight I hadn't done it in over a month. He asked me why I didn't do it last night. I didn't know why. I guess I didn't feel the numbness yet, not like I did today.
Shane: I saw you crying today...I wanted to say something to you but I wasn't sure what to say.
Mia: It's fine. I had it under control.
Shane: I'm sorry. This is all my fault
Mia: I don't want to stop talking to you.
Shane: Neither do I.
I guess we made an agreement that even though we weren't together we'd remain friends and we did just that.
~
Things were good for a while. I was getting a little better especially now that I had Shane to talk to. It was now November and my friend Alexa's birthday was coming up so she was having a party. We were at her house dancing and having fun when I got an unusual text from a girl at school. Her name was Marissa.
1 New Message: Marissa- Hey Mia!
To: Marissa- Hey Marissa!
1 New Message: Marissa- What's up? :)
We never had random conversations. In fact, we never really talked at all outside of school.
To: Marissa- oh nm, I'm at Alexa's partying it up for her birthday
1 New Message: Marissa- Oh that's fun, look I gotta ask you something.
This was probably why she texted me.
To: Marissa- Alrighty, shoot.
1 New Message: Marissa- I know that you dated Shane but he and I have been talking and I wanted to make sure it was okay with you when he and I started dating.
When. Not if. But when. I sat down and pulled my face into my knees and started hyperventilating. I just got him back and I was already started to lose him. Why didn't I see it coming?
