I found myself laying in bed crying a lot. I had always felt alone for most of my life but never like this. Having him gave me a sense of false hope. It was like seeing the end of the tunnel and seeing a beautiful light and you just wanted to run into the light and then it suddenly disappears and you're left alone in the dark tunnel. You'll always wonder what it would've been like if you had made it to the light.
I was cutting again. A lot more than I used to. I was creating so many scars on my upper leg. My eating habits were horrible. Marissa was so skinny so I thought if I stopped eating and got skinny like her then maybe he'd like me again. I ate maybe about one piece of fruit a day, if I could keep it down.
After laying in bed staring at the ceiling for what seemed like forever, I walked upstairs to grab a bottle of water. My mom was sitting on the couch watching one of her TV shows.She looked up when I made it to the top of the stairs.
"What have you eaten today?" She looked at me, with what I thought was a concerned look on her face. I hadn't eaten anything and it was almost 10, but I lied.
"I had a sandwich at lunch and I ate an apple for dinner." None of that was true. I drank two waters bottles, about to start my third.
"You've got to stop moping around like your depressed. Stop taking shit for granted and put in a little effort. You're so lazy, it's unfathomable. As soon as you stop sports, you start getting fat cause you sit around all day. Do something, Mia." She was beginning to sound angry. I wasn't in the mood to argue. I grabbed the water bottle out of the fridge and walked back down to my room without saying anything. I locked the door, laid down and cried for a few more hours until I cried myself to sleep.
~
Mrs. Franks started noticing how I was upset all the time. She pulled me aside one day and asked what was going on. I told her everything. I told her how I was desperately in love with someone I met a couple months ago and they wanted nothing to do with me and I was taking it out on myself. I told her how my mom calls me fat and annoying all the time. I told her how alone I felt all the time and there was nothing I could do about it. In the midst of me telling her this, I could see she was starting to cry. She pulled me in and hugged me and I just broke down. I don't know why but her hugs always made me feel safe enough to break down and cry. Like I said before, she was like a mom to me. I loved her.
My grades were starting to go down, none of my friends wanted to be with me, and I could feel my thigh stinging almost all the time. On November 21st, Marissa posted that she was officially in a relationship. And then 8 days later, he kissed her. 8 days. I dated him for a month, and didnt't even get a kiss on the cheek. He kissed her after being together for 8 days. I was honestly so angry about it. Because yes, I'm no angel but Marissa was a horrible person. I had known her since the beginning of sixth grade. She harasses people for the fun of it. She was a mean person. What did she have that I didn't? What made her so special? At this point, I didn't want to love him anymore. I wanted to get over him and fast. I started talking to this boy in my biology class named Brian. He was so sweet. A lot sweeter than Shane had ever been to me. He constantly called me beautiful and put his arm around me and wasn't afraid to parade me around the school and tell everyone I was his. I thought I was finally over Shane. That was until Marissa turned mean. She started posting pictures about him all the time and pictures of the texts he sent her. She'd look at me and then hugged Shane while staring me down. She would even text or message me telling me to leave Shane alone even though I hadn't talked to him in weeks because I was talking to Brian. She even went as far as threatening to fight me. She was kind of psychotic. If anything it was only making moving on even harder because then I was thinking about him all the time. Brian then asked me out on December 14th, but I didn't feel too sure about it anymore.
I walked into school that following Monday and I set my stuff on the bench next to my locker and I looked up and saw a group of my friends in a circle. I was going to walk over to see what was going on until I saw Marissa's face in the circle. I turned around and started going through my bag and Anna came up behind me and asked if I was okay. I told her yeah in a very monotone voice.
"Marissa was just telling me about the rumor you were spreading about her." She said it very sarcastically.
"Oh really, that's the first I'm hearing of this. Can you tell me what I am spreading about her?" I didn't spread any rumors about her. I didn't care enough about her to start stupid drama.
"Apparently, Marissa cheated on Shane last week with his older brother. And you won't stop telling people."
I was cracking up. The rumor didn't even make any sense because his brother went to boarding school in a different state. Did she not realize that telling everyone I said that she was just starting a rumor about herself? She messaged me later that night telling me to back off of Shane for the millionth time.
Mia: Look Marissa, I don't know what crack you've been smoking but I didn't start any stupid rumor about you. But nice try. and second I don't care about your stupid relationship??? I have my own at the moment...?
Marissa: HA Yeah right. You're only making it up so you can pretend you're over Shane but you're actually still obsessed with him and won't leave him alone.
Now I hadn't talked to Shane in almost a month. I was dating Brian. I wasn't lying about dating him. I mean he paraded me around the school. But she was kind of right. I still loved Shane, regardless of who I was dating. I was still crying myself to sleep every night. I was still cutting myself. Nothing about the relationship gave me true happiness. I was always upset. So on December 20th, one week later, I broke up with him and told him I wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet. I needed time to myself. I thought I did until Shane started talking to me again. Was this cycle ever going to end?
