In My Eyes

Chapter Seven

Bianca

It's starting again.

"Hey. I hear you're hanging out with Ben," Ashley, the girl who ruined my life, says to me, in a very suspiciously nice tone.

"Um... yeah, I guess so," I shrug. Being that we're in a locker bay and it's afterschool, I get a little confused as to why she's bothering me with this right now.

"You're so precious. You think you can trick him?"

"Huh?"

"We all know you and your family is a freak show. We all know you're retarded and have enough psychological issues to overwhelm therapists. Don't try to trick that boy into thinking you're normal. Because you're not, slut."

I frown. "I'm not tricking him in any way."

She pushes me against the lockers. "You know that no one likes you. Why do you even try, bitch? Leave Ben alone. He just moved here a month ago and you're already ruining his fucking life."

"I'm... ruining his life?"

"Leave him to us. We don't want you hurting him. Never talk to him again."

She leaves the locker area and storms down the hallway. I sigh, but don't feel myself cry immediately. I drag myself over to the door where I usually wait for my dad and take a seat. But as soon as I sit down, I feel Ashley's words overwhelm me and I start to tear up a bit. At least I'm about to leave.

I'm ruining his life? Did he say that to her? Does he know Ashley? Oh dear lord, I don't want him to hate me. And I thought he had fun at the movies too...

After a few minutes of trying to contain my tears while sitting alone next to the door, I hear footsteps and quickly wipe away any remnants of sadness.

"Hey, Bianca. Are you okay?" Ben asks me, walking over to where I'm sitting. He takes a seat next to me. I reluctantly nod, trying not to cry any more.

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" he asks, a really sad look in his eyes.

"Yes."

"Well if you wanna vent, I'm here. I'm not really good at emotional pep talks or advice but I can be a sounding board at least."

I sniffle. "Thanks." Suddenly, I wanted to go home even moreso than a few seconds ago. It hurts having him next to me. I start to stand up.

"Where are you going?"

"I just need to be alone," I sigh, walking outside.

***

Ever since I was in seventh grade, people have tormented me. I would call it bullying, but I feel as though it's somehow worse than bullying. The things that have been done and said to me are not equivalent to that word. I like to think of it more as torture than anything else, like being chained to a dungeon wall and not having an escape route from a grueling, slow killing monster.

As I walk through the hall, I hear murmurs and whispers around me. They're all my classmates, people from my own grade. They're mostly people that I've known since I was little. And yet, something about the way they're looking at me is very unsettling. Suddenly, one of my best friends comes up to me.

"Bianca, is it true that you have two dads?" she asks, seeming sadder than usual.

"Um... yeah?"

She frowns at me and walks away. That was the last time we talked.

Another girl comes up to me. We were acquaintances, but we were friends earlier in the year. But I thought I still got along with her nicely in the classes that we had together. "You're a freak show. You should've told me you had things wrong with you. I can't believe I went near you in the past," Ashley says.

"There's nothing wrong with me," I fight back. She glares at me.

"You're gonna infect me, stop talking."

The murmurs and whispers get louder around me, and I start to hear them repeat words that Ashley just uttered to me. It's clear to me that everyone thinks I'm a freak because of a false rumor that people have been spreading and because of their strict Christian beliefs.

The rest of the day, no one said a word to me besides a few of my closest friends. But even then, they all seemed a little restless themselves, as if scared for associating themselves with me.

That's where it all began.

I start sobbing as I lay down on my bed in the dark. I avoided any and all conversation with either of my siblings and my dad, even if they tried to initiate. I kept myself locked in there for a while, reliving my past and hating that it keeps coming back to haunt me.

It wasn't an issue of me being bullied anymore, however. I became numb to the torture a few years ago, after the taunting became deeper and deeper. It didn't matter to me that my ex-acquaintance will still hunt me down just to spew meaningless and false insults my way. No, none of that was the reason why I've decided to shut myself in here and sob.

It was Ben.

Throughout my years of being attacked, both verbally and semi-physically, I've developed a hard outer shell. I've always been a bit of an introvert, but I was pushed even further into loneliness when the bullying started. But as the years have passed, I've given up on trying to fight back or argue with those menaces. Instead, I've made it my goal to block them out as best as possible. My parents have guided me through it and taught me to deflect their rude comments. And for a while, it worked. Nothing fazed me any longer. It was all the same insults.

But then Ben had to come along and make me softer. Since it's still the beginning of the year, the bullying hasn't become an issue until now. Quite honestly, I kind of forgot about it for a hot second. But then, when Ashley mentioned him, I broke down. Even the thought of losing him to their influence wrecked me. It struck me, deep in my core.

But what am I supposed to do? Risk that he's just as bad as them and tell him myself, or let them tell him for me? The thought of either one of those options made me anxious to no end. I couldn't just outright tell him that I have two men for parents. Most people think that's just plain disgusting. I'll lose him if I tell him.

And yet, it'll probably be worse if I don't tell him. He'll think I've been keeping secrets from him and call me a liar, most likely. Or he'll buy into those lies and never speak to me again. Either way, it felt as though I was choosing between jumping into a hot pool of boiling lava and a pool of sharpened knives.

But how does one admit to their "strange" familial situation when everyone you used to be friends with refused to associate with you any longer because of it? It seems I'm running in circles, as if there's no end to my mental argument.

I know I'm scared, but really? I have to tell him myself. It's the only way.