Random thoughts of Louie

Fear

What are you afraid of?

No, I'm not being rhetorical. What scares you the most? For Huey, it's the unknown. Dewey it's being forgotten about. For uncle Donald it's anything happening to his family. Scrooge, being written off as a footnote in history. Webby's is definitely people abandoning her. Everyone I care about has one thing that can keep them up at night. Mine's more complicated.

I'm afraid of thunderstorms, for one. I don't know what it is about them either. Might be the houseboat thrashing around during them when I was a kid, it might be the noise, the wind, I have no clue. They've just always rubbed me the wrong way.

I'm also not too fond of heights. I can kinda deal with them, but it takes all my self control to not have a freak panic attack when I'm higher than 10 ft off the ground.

Then there's my horrible fear of doctors. Pediatricians, dentists, Hell, even optometrists. I hate people studying me that closely. When I was a kid, I couldn't see perfectly. I'd squint all the time to just see across the room. Luckily though, with my lazy persona, most people just wrote it off as that. That I was too lazy to hold my eyes open. It wasn't until I was like 15 that uncle Scrooge realized that I must've been nearsighted. So, out he took me to get my eyes checked. I sat in the chair, looked through the giant goggle things, it all went pretty well, until they tried to put dilation drops in. I freaked the fuck out right there, crying, struggling, doing everything I could to keep the dropper away from my eyes. I couldn't catch my breath, the walls of the room started closing in around me, I was hyper aware of every single sound and movement around the room, it was horrible.

That was definitely not my first panic attack, but those aren't something you can just get used to. It's just as horrible during your 50th as it is during your 1st. Sometimes the more you have, the worse they get. The worst part is, you know it's irrational. You know there's nothing wrong, you know you're not gonna die, but your body tricks you into thinking you are. Your chest compresses like something really heavy's sitting on it, your head pounds, every breath you do manage to take burns your lungs, I could go on. Long story short, that is the worst feeling I've ever experienced. And sadly, I actually have to take medication sometimes so I don't experience it while I'm just, out at the store or something. It sucks.

That's my biggest fear though I think: the feeling of fear itself.

And no, I don't mean that in the brave way Dew does when he says it.

I'm terrified of having a panic attack in public, only because I'm not entirely in control of what I do.

If it happened, someone might come up to the grown man crying in a ball, ask if I'm ok, and I could sucker punch his face without thinking. And I really don't want to do that.

For me, fear isn't just an emotion. It's an auto pilot. It completely takes control over my thoughts and actions, and I can't stop it.

All I can do is smile and pretend it's not there.

Hi! Been a while, huh?

I felt bad for not writing in here for so long, so here's something that was requested a while ago and I kinda forgot about :/

It may not be as good as the other chapters, but I kinda have a bit of writers block for Lou right now. I'm sorry, I'm still going to try to write in here as much as possible!

Love you guys, thank you for being patient with me!

-Anwyn❤️