Dell's Journey

Chapter 4: Dell Turns To Alcohol

This was too much. He could no longer ignore the

contrast between Pet and himself. Motivation versus

hesitance, action versus reaction, self-assurance versus

self-doubt: this was Pet versus Dell. Sure, a realization

like this could be stifled upon first notice. But

inevitably, ignoring the problem would cause discomfort in

the bowels and the shame of intellectual dishonesty.

Neither of these things appealed to Dell. A problem was a

problem. It had to be gotten over at some point. Grasping

his personal responsibility was one of Dell's strengths.

Never taking action was one of his weaknesses.

It was 2:01am now, and Pet had dropped the mangled

bird carcass on the linoleum. Dell opened the cupboard

containing his liquor, and then reached for the cupboard

that held the scotch glasses. He paused and shut it. Just

the bottle would do. He proceeded to get drunk.

Now Dell wasn't a real alcoholic. He appreciated the

taste too much. It's just that a few drinks made him feel

like he identified with the world; included in the group of

countless millions who throughout history had turned to

strong drink for diversion and forgetfulness. He could

feel like a different person; less controlled, less

perceptive. A few drinks made him feel like somebody

likely to act without considering the consequences. Even

though he willfully stopped short of ingesting an amount

that would invite nausea, he felt bolder, silly, and a

little grand.

But his dramatic escapes from sobriety were always

short-lived, and he inevitably felt immature afterward.

Dell did not have even a hint of the prodigal's heart; his

were the sins of omission. Deep down he knew when there

was something to be faced. But there exists an interval

between the recognition of need and the deliberate battle

that must be done with the giants. Many times Dell felt a

nagging for change, but the situation had to be dire in

order to feel urgent. It always had to come down to a grim

choice between terrible loss, or this or that detestable

habit before combat would ensue.