Rooms on Fire

Sixth.

Having a baby is harder than I'd ever imagined it would be. Her name is Julia Stephanie just like I had always imagined. She is two weeks old now and I adore her Stevie does too, her birth has bought us even closer. Julia sleeps well, only waking once in the night for a bottle but I am exhausted. Stevie is too. Recovering from the birth is taking longer than I had expected. My hips still hurt and my hands hurt some days too, they are stiff, achy, and hot. I feel more tired now than I did during pregnancy. I get breathless if I try to walk up the stairs too quickly but I've always been asthmatic and spring is coming so I'm not that surprised. Stevie has been feeling tired, bloated, and occasionally sick to her stomach for weeks. She is blaming menopause but I'm not so sure about that. I worry about her but she insists she is fine. She hasn't had a period in four months so maybe it is menopause but I have a niggling feeling it is something more.

'Hurry up Steph,' I yell as I strap Julia into her car seat, it takes me longer than I should because my hands are so stiff but I eventually get the job done. Julia has an appointment with her pediatrician in 20 minutes and the office is 15 minutes away. At this rate we are definitely going to be late. Getting anywhere with a baby seems to take twice as long as it used to.

'Sorry,' Stevie says as she climbs into the car, she is pale and her smells of a mix of mouthwash and puke.

'Were you sick again?' I ask as I pull out of the garage, even though I already know the answer.

Stevie shrugs, 'its nothing,' she says and I sigh, frustrated. I have been begging her see a doctor for a week but she is refusing. I know she is scared that whatever is wrong with her is more serious than menopause too. she has a tendency to bury her head in the sand when it comes to bad news or even the potential for bad news.

'Your hands are worse today,' she observes as I drive, my left hand is so stiff and sore that I can barely grip the wheel with it.

'Its nothing,' I reply echoing her response to my own concerns, 'can we not have this conversation again?' I ask, she has been begging me to see a doctor for my own symptoms but I feel like what I am experiencing is normal and that she is overreacting.

Stevie reaches over and turns the stereo up a little, fight postponed, at least for now.

---

'Julia is doing wonderfully,' Dr. van Heel says as he completes his examination, 'is she sleeping well?'

'She is sleeping extremely well,' Stevie says with a proud smile.

'How are both of you sleeping?' Dr. van Heel asks?

'I've been sleeping like the dead,' Stevie replies.

'I get up once a night to feed her at about 4am but other than that I've been sleeping well,' I respond, 'why?'

'Not to be impolite but you both look sleep deprived,' Dr. van Heel says gently. He is an older man with a slight Dutch accent and a warm smile, 'have either of you been having symptoms out of the ordinary?'

We are both silent for a moment before Stevie speaks, 'Kate has been having problems with her hands and her asthma has been playing up since Julia was born.' I want to be angry with her but I can tell from the tone of her voice that Dr. van Heel's comment about my looking off has her worried.

'Stevie has been bloated and sick to her stomach,' I respond to Dr. van Heel's question on Stevie's behalf. It feels incredibly childish, like I'm tattling on her to my mother but I know she won't bring up her own symptoms, just as she knew I wouldn't mention mine. We are both too stubborn and we both know that about each other.

Dr. van Heel nods. 'Do you mind if I examine your hands Kate?' I shake my head and hold my hands out. 'Can you make a fist with each hand?' he asks.

I manage to make a feeble fist with my right hand but I can barely bend the fingers of my left hand.

Dr. van Heel nods and scrawls something on a form, 'are you having any pain or stiffness anywhere else?' he asks.

'My hips,' I admit, 'but they were sore before I had Julia.'

'And how long have you been asthmatic for?' Dr. van Heel asks.

'Since I was a baby,' I respond.

'Okay,' he replies.

'I need to take some blood if that is okay,' I nod in response and he slips a tourniquet over my arm, I still feel like this is an overreaction but if it gives Stevie peace of mind I am happy to go along. I don't want this becoming a sore spot in our relationship. Dr. van Heel is good, I barely feel the needle.

'Stephanie, do you mind if I examine your abdomen?' Dr. van Heel asks standing and walking over to the examination table. Stevie reluctantly follows him and climbs up, 'how long have you been experiencing the bloating and nausea for?' he asks as he palpates her stomach.

'I don't know, since before I went out on tour I guess. I was really sick for a couple of weeks just before I met Kate but it passed,' Stevie says quietly.

'Why didn't you tell me?' I ask a little hurt that she would try and hide anything from me.

'I didn't think there was anything to tell, I just thought it was a normal part of menopause,' Stevie replies.

'When was your last period?' Dr. van Heel asks.

Four months ago, maybe five?' Stevie responds.

'Dr. van Heel nods a slight smile on his face. 'Stephanie, I will also need to take some blood from you,' he says and she pales, swallowing hard. Stevie is usually good with needles and blood but everything has been making her feel sick lately.

I hold her hand as Dr. van Heel draws her blood, she gags a little at the sight of the blood flowing into the vial but holds it together. 'All done,' Dr. van Heel says after a few moments, 'the tests will take two hours to come back. I suggest going for a walk and getting some lunch, I'll make you an appointment for 2:30 to discuss the results.'

I nod feeling a little lightheaded. This morning I thought this was all overreaction, now I'm worried that I'm dying. The look on Stevie's face suggests she is thinking the same thing about herself.

---

We walk through the park opposite the doctors office in silence for a long time, Stevie pushing Julia in her pram, both of us lost in our thoughts. 'I'm sorry,' Stevie says quietly as we sit down on a bench, 'I've always said I don't make a good scared person,' she adds with a little dry laugh. 'I used the internet to search for my symptoms a couple of weeks ago and it suggested ovarian cancer.'

I gasp at that but then I remember Dr. van Heel's facial expression as he was examining Stevie, his smile, he wouldn't smile if she were dying, 'I'm sure its not that,' I say leaning against her and running my hand through her hair.

'I used the internet to search for my symptoms too,' I admit.

'What did it say?' Stevie asks, her voice taking on a nervous edge.

'Leukemia,' I respond.

Stevie pales, 'what happens if I have ovarian cancer and you have leukemia? What happens to Julia if you die? If we both die?'

'We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. If we get to it,' I say, 'but I don't think it is possible for two people to have that much bad luck.'

'We should probably head back,' Stevie says checking her watch, 'it is 20 past.'

'I nod getting up, 'no matter what happens I love you,' I tell Stevie pulling her into a giant hug.

'I love you too my sweet girl,' Stevie responds.